


Décalcomanie

by UngratefulSatisfaction



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Awkward First Times, Blow Jobs, But the plot is them getting together, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Domestic, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, Homophobia and the Catholic Church, Light Choking, Light Masochism, M/M, Porn With Plot, Relationship Negotiation, Safe-sex discussions, Theological Questions, light internalized homophobia, pain play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:42:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29670225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UngratefulSatisfaction/pseuds/UngratefulSatisfaction
Summary: Chan fixates on the fact that Felix hasn't had his first kiss. What follows is them getting together and developing a relationship, falling in love as it goes.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 20
Kudos: 213





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> beta'd by [s-kiz (pigalle)](/users/pigalle/pseuds/s-kiz/)
> 
> Come talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/UgSfWorks/) or [cc](https://curiouscat.me/UgSfWorks/)

A certain phrase Felix said a while ago has been stuck in Chan’s head. It was a simple little thing he said in passing. Chan is pretty sure he said it to Hyunjin, though he can’t remember the exact circumstances. 

“Oh, I haven’t actually kissed anyone before,” Felix had said. Chan gave a reaction and someone else made a joke about Changbin, but that’s all Chan can remember. That phrase Felix said has consumed him too much to recall much else.

It sits in his mind during any idle moments he has, and Chan has no idea why. Is it because Felix is his good friend, and Chan wouldn’t want him to feel embarrassed? Except, Felix didn’t sound embarrassed. He just laughed it off. Chan knows it doesn’t really matter, even if a first kiss seems like an important milestone. Felix is an idol—a JYP idol—so it’s not like he can just participate in those sorts of things easily. This… doesn’t make sense. 

“Hey, are you doing alright?” The question breaks Chan from his reverie. He looks up to meet Jisung’s eyes. Changbin isn’t looking at either of them, but Chan knows he’s listening.

“Yeah,” Chan says with a casual smile.

“Okay, I respect the process, but Hyung seems more spacey than usual,” Jisung says. 

“Yeah, no, I’m just thinking,” Chan says. He looks at the notebook in front of him, which is mostly empty. They’ve gotten together to try and write music, but all Chan can think about is what Felix said.

“What about?” Changbin asks. Chan shakes his head.

“We haven’t done a love song, have we?” Chan asks instead.

“’Ex’,” Changbin says at the same time Jisung asks, “Oh, does Chan Hyung have a crush on someone?”

“I don’t,” Chan says. Which is the truth. An intrusive, quasi-obsessive thought is not the same as a crush. 

“Sounds fake, but okay,” Jisung says. 

Chan laughs with them. He’s thankful when their focuses shift back to their work. Chan at least pretends to focus. A vague story about a first kiss bubbles under the surface, but nothing breaches and spills out onto the page. He hasn’t tried to write about this before. Why does he even want to write a love song? His brain feels clouded. Maybe he should go talk to Felix.

He finds Felix alone in their room on a rare day off almost a week after he decided to talk to him. Felix looks up briefly from his computer when Chan walks in, but his gaze returns to the monitors quickly. Chan sits on his bed and watches Felix play from behind. 

Changbin is out right now with Jeongin and Minho, so he likely won’t be coming in anytime soon. The other three have been in their respective rooms all day. Now seems like as good a time as any, if Chan can get the courage to grab Felix’s attention. He’s familiar enough with the game he’s playing, so Chan resolves to say something at the next stopping point.

“Felix,” Chan says softly when the time comes. He has to repeat it before Felix startles. He slides off his headphones and turns around.

“Oh, hey,” Felix says. Chan avoids eye contact, instead focusing on what he’s wearing, a comfortable hoodie and a pair of joggers. “What is it?” he asks in English when Chan has been quiet for too long.

“Do you… Are you bothered that you haven’t had your first kiss?” Chan asks, forcing the words out. Felix tucks his chin in, and his eyes slide off to the side.

“Why do you ask?” His tone is awkward.

“No reason,” Chan says. “It just seems like missing out, don’t you reckon?” Felix shrugs. His gaze is firmly off to the side.

“I guess so,” Felix says. “It’s not like it matters though. I could’ve in high school. I just didn’t, and now I’m here.”

“Don’t you wish you could have it though?” Chan doesn’t know where the question is coming from, but his heart is picking up pace. Felix laughs in a stilted manner.

“It doesn’t really matter if I want to, since I don’t have the opportunity.” He pulls a leg up and hugs the knee to his chest.

“And if you did?” The words are escaping faster than Chan can think.

“Sure, I guess,” Felix says. “What, are you going to pull some strings or something?” Chan stands and Felix’s eyes widen. “Bro?”

“Do you want to…?” Chan takes a couple steps closer. A nervous laughter bubbles up from Felix’s throat.

“You’re funny,” Felix says. 

“I wasn’t joking,” Chan says, but he wishes he were. Why is he offering this?

“Oh.” The atmosphere is thick. Chan steps closer until he’s just in front of Felix.

“We can, if you want to,” Chan says. “Just so you have the experience.” Felix looks up at him, and Chan is staring so intensely he feels lost in Felix’s eyes.

“Okay,” Felix says quietly, pitch dragging across the bottom of his range. Chan crouches down so they’re at eye level. It’s an awkward position, but all he can think about is the pair of lips in front of him. He can hear Felix’s quick breathing, and he can smell the faint scent of shampoo on his hair. Felix’s eyes slide shut, and Chan leans forward.

It’s been a while since he’s kissed anyone, so Chan takes a second to find his way. He’s pleasantly surprised by how kissing a guy contrasts with kissing a girl. Felix’s lips are soft, but there’s still a roughness to him. The scents are less delicate, more familiar. 

Felix stutters through the kiss, as if he’s not quite sure what to do. It takes a while for him to find the rhythm, to use the right amount of pressure. For some reason, despite the inexperience, Chan feels a surge of sentiment, making him want to tilt his head and deepen the kiss. But he doesn’t know if Felix wants that, so he pulls away. 

His legs are shaking. Felix looks the same as before, curled up in his chair with the computer monitors casting a strange blue glow on his features. His lips look a bit plumper, but Chan wishes they had a more noticeable change, that he had kissed Felix for long enough for them to bruise. Felix’s eyelids pull up slowly, revealing his big eyes shining with a dreamlike glint.

“So?” Chan whispers. 

“That… was a good first kiss,” Felix says. “Thanks, Hyung.”

“It’s—” Chan stops short of saying _it’s nothing_ , because it doesn’t feel like a true thing to say. Does he have a crush? “You’re welcome.”

“Can,” Felix pauses and lets the tip of his tongue glide across his lower lip. “Can I kiss you again?”

Chan wants to say yes with all his being, but instead he says, “Ah, maybe not. I don’t want to, uh, take advantage of you?”

“Huh?”

“Like, I think I fancy you?” Chan says the words under his breath, hardly believing them himself.

“Oh.” They sit in silence for a moment. Chan worries he just made it weird. Will Felix want to still talk to him? Will they still be close? Suddenly, Chan wishes he could take all this back if it meant not losing his best friend. “I guess that’s a good thing,” Felix finally says. Chan’s head jerks up. “’Cause I’ve been fancying you for a while now.” 

“Seriously?” Chan asks. 

“Yeah,” Felix says. “So, if you want to kiss me again, I’d like that.”

“Shouldn’t I ask you on a date first?” Chan asks.

“We’ve gone on plenty of dates before,” Felix says. 

“Am I supposed to kiss you or ask you to be my boyfriend?” Chan asks. ‘Boyfriend’ feels strange on his lips, but Felix doesn’t, so Chan doesn’t dwell on it.

“Both are good,” Felix says. “Do you want to be my second kiss or what?” A playful smile curls his lips, and Chan can’t help mirroring it.

“I do,” Chan says. He shifts his weight to try and find a more comfortable position. 

“Do you want to sit on the…uh.” Felix’s hand stops midway through gesturing to where the beds are. 

“If you’re wanting to kiss, sure,” Chan says. “And I’d say we won’t do much else until we manage a date.”

“Okay,” Felix says, visibly relaxing. Chan stands, grateful for the strain leaving his calf muscles. He offers his hand to Felix, and he stands as well. They’ve held hands before, but this time Chan feels butterflies in his stomach. 

They sit on the edge of Chan’s bed, a healthy distance between them and dumb smiles on their faces. Chan cups Felix’s chin, running a thumb over his cheek. Felix closes his eyes and presses into the touch. “All this time and I didn’t realize how you felt,” Chan says, mostly to himself. Felix shrugs.

“I tried not to be obvious,” Felix says. Chan’s thumb moves with Felix’s cheeks as he talks. “I didn’t think you were gay.”

“Neither did I until just a moment ago.”

“A moment ago?”

“I think I’ve had a crush on you for a bit, but I just didn’t realize it.” Retrospectively, he does remember a strange feeling pulling on his stomach recently.

“Oh,” Felix says. “I’m glad you did realize.” Chan’s thumb traces close to the corner of Felix’s lips.

“Can I kiss you again?”

“I already said you could.” His eyes slide closed again, so Chan closes the space between them. 

Felix gets his bearings quicker than last time. He moves more deliberately, and Chan fights the urge to pull him closer, to pull Felix into his lap. It’s too soon, and he’d hate to make Felix feel uncomfortable. 

But, oh, the kiss is so sweet. Chan inhales through his mouth, and Felix makes a low noise at having his breath taken away. He finds Felix’s hand balled up on his knee and takes it within his own, interlocking their fingers. His hand fits so perfectly in Chan’s. Felix’s free hand tentatively comes to rest on Chan’s shoulder, and Chan encourages it by slipping his tongue against Felix’s lips.

Felix gasps into the kiss, stealing some air in return. His movement loses rhythm, and Chan has a mind to slide his tongue into Felix’s mouth. But that’s probably too much. He pulls away enough so that he can look Felix in the eye, his breath still ghosting across his sensitive lips.

“Shit,” Felix says, a smile tweaking at the corner of his mouth. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I really was missing out.” Chan laughs.

“I’m glad I could help,” Chan says. “I’ll try to make sure our first date is as good as our first kiss was, then.”

“I’m sure it will be amazing, since it’s with you,” Felix says softly, fidgeting with his fingers in his lap.

“Ay, you can’t be saying that mushy stuff already,” Chan says, but he can feel his cheeks getting hotter. Why hadn’t he thought of this before, dating with Felix? 

“Am I supposed to wait until we manage to go on a date?” Felix asks.

“It’ll happen soon,” Chan assures. He flicks some bangs out of Felix’s eyes, and Felix smiles to himself. He looks so cute that Chan can’t help but to lean forward and kiss him on the forehead.

“Who’s being mushy now?” Felix mutters, despite the wide smile he wears.

“We both can be.”

They manage a date within the next few days. It felt only marginally different than their previous outings, though Chan relished in the added layer whenever Felix reached out for him or held onto his hand. They don’t get much alone time until quite a bit later, however.

Between that, they both act casually around the members. Felix still cuddles with the others every chance he gets, and Chan tries to seem engaged with his current projects instead of getting sidetracked with the trite beginnings of love songs. At least for now, they’d rather keep it to themselves in case it doesn’t blossom into anything more.

“So,” Felix says, closing the bedroom door behind him. Chan looks up from his laptop and smiles.

“So?” he says back. He’s already exited out of the window and set the laptop to sleep. 

“There’s only Jeongin here right now, and he’s taking a nap,” Felix says. He steps closer, tentative in his stance. Chan puts the laptop under the bed. 

“And?” Felix is about to say something, but he closes his mouth and shakes his head. He meets Chan, sitting next to him on the mattress, springs shifting under his weight. Felix leans across the space but hesitates. “You lookin’ for something?” Chan asks, letting fingers rake through Felix’s hair.

“Just you,” Felix says. There’s a strange tension of calmness and jitteriness in his bones. His eyes flick between making eye contact and avoiding it. He bites his lip and seems to worry over something.

“Is there something you want to say, or are you just hoping I’ll kiss you?” Chan asks, a teasing tone coloring his words. Felix breathes out a short laugh.

“Both, kinda.”

“Yeah?”

“Have you dated a lot of people?” Felix asks, the words rushing out quickly.

“Oh, uh, I’ve dated a few girls,” Chan says. “You?”

“Only in like, middle school, but that doesn’t count,” Felix says. He falls silent for a while.

“Does it bother you?” Chan asks without any judgement in his voice. 

“You’re the one who asked if I was missing out by not having my first kiss,” Felix says. Chan grabs Felix’s hand and offers a light smile.

“Yeah, but I’m not gonna look down on you about this stuff,” Chan says. “You know, this feels like uncharted waters to me too. I haven’t been with a guy before.”

“You seriously never thought about dating guys before?” Felix asks. 

“I don’t think I ever did,” Chan says. He rubs the pad of his thumb across Felix’s knuckles. “I just like you.” Felix laughs at him, but he presses closer, leaning against Chan’s side and resting his head on his shoulder. Their hands are still interlocked, resting together on Chan’s knee.

“I like you too,” Felix says under his breath. 

“Glad we’re on the same page,” Chan says. “So, why do you like me?”

“What do you mean?” Felix asks.

“Like, why me?”

“Oh,” Felix says. “Because it’s you.” 

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know, you were always like, there for me whenever I was having trouble.”

“Any good person would be helpful,” Chan says.

“Yeah, not the way that you were.” Chan glances down and sees a red dusting behind Felix’s freckles, hardly visible in the dim lighting. “It wasn’t just advice, it was a lot of, like, gaining confidence?”

“You can’t attribute your confidence to me,” Chan says.

“Not attributing, but it’s easier for me to be confident when I think of the encouragement you’ve given me before,” Felix says. “You’re always sweet and supportive. We always have the most fun conversations. And you’re really hot.”

“Ay, not that,” Chan says, but he’s smiling to himself.

“No seriously,” Felix says. An embarrassed laugh escapes his mouth. “Seeing you makes me feel all giddy or whatever.” He adjusts the position of their hands, sliding his fingers between Chan’s.

“You’re not so bad lookin’ yourself,” Chan says.

“Are you just saying that ‘cause you want a kiss?” Felix asks.

“Suddenly?” Chan asks with fake surprise. “I didn’t say anything of the sort. But if you’re offering…”

Felix laughs again and his cheeks darken. He tilts his chin up. Chan leans down enough for their lips to connect. It’s a lazy kiss, both of them moving slowly and barely holding contact. Felix pulls away after only a moment, sitting up off Chan’s side.

“Can I…?” Felix starts to say. His eyes flick up to Chan’s but quickly move away.

“You can ask,” Chan says. “Don’t be embarrassed.”

“I don’t know what I want to ask,” Felix says. “I just wanna…” He turns so he’s facing Chan a bit better and he reaches out a hand to touch Chan where his neck meets his shoulder. Chan’s shirt is loose, so Felix’s thumb grazes against bare skin, and Chan shivers. “Is this okay?”

His tone has gone softer, sounding like how the pad of his thumb feels, drawing small strokes against Chan’s skin. “Yeah, it is,” Chan says. He uncrosses his legs and sets them far enough apart that Felix could come closer if he wanted to. And Felix doesn’t hesitate to inch closer into the space, leaning forward on his knees toward the end. Chan can smell faint cologne, something sweet he can’t put his finger on. “Is this comfortable?” Chan asks, holding out a hand as if to grab Felix’s waist.

“Yeah,” Felix says, voice barely audible. He grabs Chan’s hand with his free one and guides it to rest on his waist. In doing so, he has to balance his weight on Chan’s shoulder, but Chan doesn’t mind. He just leans back, propping himself up with his free hand, so it’s more comfortable.

“You’re blushing again,” Chan teases. He holds Felix, hand fitted in the dip of his waist. It doesn’t have the same curve that a woman’s does, but there’s something exciting about the lean muscle and the sharp hip bone that can be felt under the thin fabric of his shirt.

Felix opens his mouth to retort, but then his eyes darken. Their faces are too close now for Chan’s eyes to not occasionally flit down to Felix’s mouth. “Channie Hyung,” Felix says, the breath coming out across Chan’s lips.

“Yes,” Chan says before Felix can ask the question.

So, Felix leans down enough for their lips to connect. The kiss is more frantic than before, and Chan gasps at how Felix presses deeply into it. Chan’s grip on his waist tightens, wanting to pull him closer. He doesn’t though, even as Felix moves forward, their chests almost touching now. 

Felix’s tongue darts out between Chan’s lips for a second. The movement is unpracticed and awkward. Okay, Chan can deal with this. He slows the pace and opens his mouth, running his tongue across Felix’s upper lip when he hesitates. _Come on_ , Chan thinks. Then Felix gets the message and pushes his tongue into Chan’s mouth. 

It takes a bit for Felix to figure out what to do. Chan waits, trying to show some sort of encouragement where he can. He giggles at himself and Felix pulls away. “What?” Felix asks.

“Nothing,” Chan says, choking down more laughter. “You’re just…”

“Just what?”

“Don’t be so unsure of yourself,” Chan says. “And I’m mostly laughing at myself, to be honest.” Felix rolls his eyes.

“I’m sorry I’m not—”

“No, no, don’t you dare,” Chan says. “Don’t be embarrassed about being inexperienced or whatever.” Felix covers his face with his hand.

“But it is embarrassing.”

“Nah.”

“Just because you say ‘nah’ doesn’t make it not-embarrassing.”

“Would it be less embarrassing if we stop talking about it and go back to kissing?”

Felix is quiet for a moment before nodding his head. He leans forward again and presses tentatively into a kiss. Felix seems to find himself sooner than before, getting good enough that it makes Chan’s head spin. Chan wants to lean further back, gather up Felix in his arms and let his weight rest on him. But he holds back. It doesn’t matter how fast the pace of his heart is because Felix may want a slower pace. Chan would rather not rush it.

It’s easier to avoid being in a hurry when the current is so good. Chan recalls vague moments of Felix’s tongue folding into weird shapes so he could elicit confused laughter. It was funny then, but now the flexibility is maddening. Chan can’t even process what Felix’s tongue is doing anymore—all he knows is how good it feels against his own. 

“You’re amazing,” Chan says when Felix pulls back. He rests his forehead against Chan’s. 

“Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Chan says. “When you figure out what you’re doing, you’re really good. A lot better than before.”

“Honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing,” Felix says with an innocent smile. He’s moved forward enough that he can wrap his arms around the back of Chan’s neck. Chan tries not to let his breath catch every time a fingernail grazes against the skin of his neck by accident.

“Sure about that?” Chan asks and Felix hums in response. His thumb had slipped under the hem of Felix’s shirt at some point, so now he idly strokes it back and forth across the sliver of bare skin.

They sit in silence for a while, holding each other loosely. When muted external sounds drift into the silence, they pull apart. Jeongin must be awake, and they’d rather not have that conversation yet. There’s always a next time.


	2. Chapter 2

“Oh, no one’s home?” Felix asks. They’re out by the Han river at the end of their date, the sun having set a couple of hours ago. Felix has an arm around Chan’s shoulder so they can both look at his phone screen.

“Yeah,” Chan says. “Jeongin, Changbin, Hyunjin, and Seungmin are getting a late dinner, and Jisung and Minho are at a PC-bang. No one should be home for at least an hour.” They had texted the group chat to ask if someone would want them to bring them home something to eat, and luck happens that everyone is away.

“…Should we go home then?” Felix asks, unable to manage a casual tone.

“If you wanna,” Chan says, though he’s already started walking back to the dorm. Felix’s arm slides down so they’re holding hands. 

“It’s difficult to get alone time,” Felix says like an excuse. It’s windy out, so Chan can hardly hear his quiet tone.

“What do you want to do with it?” Chan asks. Felix doesn’t answer, only the sound of their footsteps against the pavement and the whistling wind filling the space. “Well, we already ate.”

“Yeah.”

“We could always play a game,” Chan says, playing at obliviousness. Felix hums in a low tone. “Or not, I suppose.”

“Hyung,” Felix says. He squeezes Chan’s hand in his. Chan gives him an innocent look, barely meeting his eyes under the bills of their hats.

“What?” Felix lets out a harsh breath. “You can ask.” Felix groans and presses his face into Chan’s upper arm, making them both stutter in stride. Felix is laughing too hard to catch his breath.

“Hyung,” he whines. “You know what I want.” He says the last part softly, only just above a whisper.

“Nah,” Chan says. “You oughta tell me.” They’ve walked quite a while away from the river, and the dorm is in sight.

“We’re in public,” Felix says. Chan wonders if he’s blushing under his mask. He can almost hear a blush in his tone.

“Oh, what is it you want to ask? You can’t ask me in public?” Felix squeezes his hand again.

He doesn’t speak again for the rest of the journey. The night is relatively quiet, and Chan feels peaceful, if not for the anticipation simmering slowly to the top. Felix swings their hands in time with their steps, standing closer than he normally would if they were friends.

They walk up the stairs and enter the dorm room. They remove their shoes and take off their hats. “It’s a bit cold in here, isn’t it?” Chan says, taking off his mask and shoving it in his jacket pocket. Before he can look for confirmation, Felix brushes his lips against his cheek. “Oh?”

“It is a bit cold,” Felix says turning away. “I’ll go make sure the heater is on.” The room is cold, but Chan’s cheek is burning from the chaste gesture.

Chan shuffles forward into the kitchen, unsure of what to do. A soft hum cuts the quietness and then the floor starts to warm underneath his feet. “Is that good?” Felix calls as he comes back into the kitchen.

“Yeah, it is,” Chan says. Felix has that look in his eyes again. Chan’s tongue feels too dry for his mouth. “So, what is it you wanted to say?”

“Hm?” Felix steps in front of him. He grabs Chan’s hand and plays with the fingers, avoiding eye contact.

“You know, what you didn’t want to say in public?” Felix huffs out laughter.

“You’re really going to make me say it?”

“Hey, explicit consent is sexy,” Chan says. “So. What is ‘it’?” Felix looks up, a mixture of annoyance and embarrassment on his face.

“Can I kiss you? And do things?” Felix asks.

“And things?” Chan says, drawing Felix closer. It feels strange to be so intimate in the kitchen, out from behind closed doors. “What d’ya mean, babe?”

“’Babe’,” Felix repeats with an eye roll. But he’s smiling when he says it again. Chan isn’t exactly sure where the pet name came from, but he refuses to retract it.

“Okay, but seriously, define ‘things’,” Chan says. He wraps his arms around Felix’s waist, pulling him against the length of his body. Felix’s hands find their way onto his shoulders, one sliding back down and splaying out across a pectoral. Chan presses a kiss high on Felix’s cheekbone, right over a smattering of freckles.

“Uh, touching?” Felix giggles. He angles his chin up and Chan presses another kiss on his jawline. “I don’t know… I’ve been thinking—Well, I’ve been thinking about, you know, sitting on your lap and kissing you.” _Oh, that’s a good answer_.

“My lap?” Chan asks, unable to control the smile pulling at his lips. He moves his hands to hold Felix’s hips, rubbing his thumbs in circles.

Felix nods his head. The hand on Chan’s shoulder slides up his neck and Chan shivers. Felix narrows his eyes and Chan blushes. “So, your place or my place?” Felix asks, using the typical Korean line. Chan laughs at him.

“My room is probably bigger,” Chan says.

“Uh huh, yours probably is bigger,” Felix says, voice leaning into his deeper range toward the end. The laughter bubbles between them until all that connects them are their fingers threaded together. Chan leads him back to their room, the pace of his heart already quickening. He closes the door behind them in case someone comes back too soon.

Chan briefly considers where it might be most comfortable to sit before picking his bed. He sits, legs crossed and back propped against the wall. Felix stops short of the bed, looking at Chan and worrying his lip between his teeth. Chan gives him an easy smile. “C’mere, babe,” he says, patting his thighs. Felix laughs, but he sounds nervous.

“Do I get to call you ‘babe’, too?” Felix asks, shuffling forward. He sits beside Chan, the mattress dipping beneath his weight.

“If you want,” Chan says. “It is the typical Aussie pet name.”

“It’s _jagi_ in Korean, right?” Felix asks.

“Yeah, that’s like saying ‘sweetheart’,” Chan says. He holds himself back from prodding Felix to advance. He’ll move when he wants to.

“ _Jagi_ ,” Felix repeats. His hand crawls onto Chan’s knee tentatively.

“Yeah, babe?” Chan says. Felix’s face is down, but Chan is sure he can see a smile.

“It feels surreal to call you that,” Felix says.

“How long have you fancied me?” Chan asks. He covers Felix’s hand with his own, and Felix twists his hands so they can thread their fingers together. 

“I guess, shortly after debut,” Felix says. “After we’d sort of settled. You stopped being someone I look at as a mentor. Instead, I saw you as—wanted you to see me as something else.”

“Sorry it took so long,” Chan says and a part of him really does mean it. Though, he’s also thankful that things worked out the way they did and they’re here now. Felix shakes his head.

“Don’t be,” Felix says. “We’re here now, yeah?” Chan meets his smile, marveling at how Felix always seems to read his thoughts.

“Yeah.” Any other words he wanted to say dies when Felix shifts, gracefully coming to straddle his lap.

The position means Chan has to look up to maintain eye contact. His hands ache to go across Felix’s legs and up his sides, but he grips the sheets on either side of himself instead. Felix is sitting back far enough on his legs that their hips don’t touch, but Chan already feels the excitement growing stronger. “Comfortable?” Chan asks, the word coming out in a puff of air. 

“Yeah,” Felix says. His cheeks are tinted red, and he’s avoiding direct eye contact. “You can—you can touch me.” As if to prove his point, Felix sets his hands low on Chan’s shoulders.

“Like this?” Chan asks, putting his hands on Felix’s knees. He slides them up his thighs until they’re midway, slowly enough that Felix can give a nod. One hand moves around to the underside of his thigh and the other finds its way to Felix’s waist.

Felix shifts in his grasp, denim pulling against denim. “That’s good,” Felix mutters. Chan presses his fingers into the underside of his thigh, and Felix’s eyes darken. He leans down, close enough that Chan can feel his breath on his cheeks. Chan can smell the remnants of the _heotteok_ they bought on a whim before texting the others. Felix ate it too soon and reacted cutely to the light burn. Is there any cinnamon still on his tongue?

Chan is about to ask, but Felix is already connecting their lips. The kiss is slow, and the rhythm is uneven in a good way. Chan tilts his head until he finds the perfect angle. The question still weighs on his mind, so he licks at Felix’s lips until they part enough for him to slip in.

There isn’t a noticeable taste of cinnamon, but Chan still moans into the kiss. Felix’s natural taste is sweet enough, and Chan is intoxicated by how his tongue moves against his own. Felix shifts again in his lap, sliding barely closer. Chan fights the urge to pull Felix flush against him and roll his hips up. He almost loses the battle when Felix’s hand migrates further up, stroking against the side of his neck. Chan’s breath catches in his throat, harsh enough to end the kiss.

“Wha—” Felix starts to say. He furrows his brow and starts moving his thumb in small circles against Chan’s skin. Chan tries to catch his breath. “You always react like this when I touch your neck.” Felix leans closer, so his mouth is by Chan’s ear. In his lower register, vocal cords barely vibrating enough for the words to be heard, Felix asks, “are you sensitive here?”

“Yeah, a little,” Chan says in the most even tone he can manage when Felix’s thumb is still moving.

“Do you want me to—can I kiss you here?” Felix moves halfway through, his breath now coming out over the side of Chan’s neck. He moves his hand back down to Chan’s shoulder.

“Please,” Chan says, opting for the English so it sounds less like begging. He closes his eyes and waits for Felix to move again.

Eventually, Felix closes the space and gently presses his lips just below Chan’s pulse point. It’s a chaste kiss, but Chan lets out a shaky breath. Felix waits a bit before pressing another kiss. Then he pulls away and leans his forehead against Chan’s shoulder. Chan regains his sense of mind when he realizes Felix is laughing.

“What? What is it?” Chan asks, unable to keep from laughing with him.

“What do people do when they—when they do that?” Felix asks. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Oh wow,” Chan says to himself. At least Felix is laughing at his inexperience now. “It’s… okay, when you say it out loud it sounds weird. You kinda—”

“Do you want to show me then?” Felix asks.

“Sure,” Chan says, tone even despite how his heart skipped a beat. He adjusts his position and leans forward enough to get close to Felix’s neck. Felix lets his hands slide down between them, his fingers pressing against Chan’s abs. “If this is an example, I oughta do it right.”

“Mmhm.”

“I am a little out of practice though,” Chan says.

“I’m sure you’ll do fine,” Felix says. He tilts his chin up, as if to entice Chan. It works, and Chan presses his lips against his skin. He kisses the same place a few times, then he flicks his tongue across the spot. He feels Felix swallow hard.

Chan opens his mouth a bit more and drags his bottom teeth lightly up his neck. “That…” Felix starts unfocused. Chan switches between using his teeth and tongue, slowly moving around the expanse of skin, oscillating between being delicate and being rougher. “Shit,” Felix says, the beginning of a moan coloring his tone. 

He wants to hear him, so Chan keeps at it. He moves his hands to Felix’s thighs and gently massages them. Felix shifts closer as Chan kisses his neck. His hands have migrated under Chan’s shirt, cold fingers prodding against Chan’s muscles. Chan lightly sucks on the skin just below his jaw and he finally gets to hear Felix moan. 

“Shouldn’t we,” Felix stammers out, as if to distract Chan from the sound. His skin is warm, and Chan rests his cheek in the crook of his neck, not minding the saliva that smears on him. “Like, we shouldn’t leave marks or anything, right?” Chan chuckles.

“Babe, don’t worry about it,” Chan says. “You’d have to be sucking really hard and for a while to get any marks to show up. Or, I guess, bite really hard.”

“What if I want you to?” Felix says softly, so that Chan feels the vibrations more than he hears them. Chan is about to laugh, but Felix sounds serious.

“Uh, well,” Chan says. He pulls back so he can look at Felix properly, but Felix is looking away. “I guess, I’d have to, uh, leave them in less obvious places.”

“Like?” Felix asks, the corner of his mouth turning up dangerously. It contrasts with the deep blush on his cheeks. Chan busies himself with tapping his fingers on Felix’s thighs.

“Um…” He looks down at his hands. “Thighs. Thighs are good places for that sorta thing.”

“You wanna mark my thighs?” Felix asks, tone husky even though he ducks his head so Chan can’t see his expression.

“If you want me to,” Chan says. “Oh, and hips.” He moves his hands so he can dance his fingers across Felix’s hip bones. “If your skin isn’t too tight there, I could probably mark it up pretty well.” Chan can’t believe he’s saying these things without his voice cracking.

“I’d like that,” Felix says. “But, uh, later. Not yet.” He looks back up, and Chan isn’t sure if he’s ever seen Felix look so embarrassed.

“Yeah, sure,” Chan says. “Though, right now anyway, are you wanting me to take off my shirt?”

“Huh?” Felix’s eyes widen, and he looks down at his hands. They’re practically splayed across Chan’s abdomen, fingers stretching as if to curl around his waist. “Oh, sorry—I wasn’t paying attention.” He doesn’t move his hands.

“I’ll take it off if you want me to,” Chan says. He leans back and grabs the hem of his shirt, which is already bunched up around Felix’s wrists.

“If you’re offering,” Felix mumbles. Chan laughs.

“It’d be my pleasure.” He carefully pulls the hem up. Felix’s eyes flit between maintaining eye contact or catching the newly exposed skin. Chan raises an eyebrow and offers a smile, but Felix’s face remains serious. He pulls the shirt off and tosses it to the side. 

“Well?” Chan asks. He rolls his shoulders, knowing how his muscles move when he does that action. He didn’t work out today and they ate kind of heavily for dinner, so Chan knows he doesn’t look as cut as he could.

“Have I ever told you what a nice body you have?” Felix asks, completely unaware of Chan’s silent self-criticisms. His hands are carefully mapping out the different muscles, ghosting over his skin in a way that leaves goosebumps in their wake.

“You’ve mentioned it before,” Chan says. His cheeks feel hot from the blood running and sore from the proud smile.

“Well, you are really sexy,” Felix says. He laughs to himself and shakes his head. He brings his hands up to Chan’s shoulders again. “I did say I’d kiss your neck, though.”

“Yeah, can’t go back on your word,” Chan says. Anticipation is pooling in his gut. Chan tries to distract himself by fingering the hem of Felix’s shirt. If he gets the silent question, Felix chooses to ignore it. Chan doesn’t want to push him too far, so he doesn’t ask out loud.

He loses that train of thought anyway when he feels Felix’s mouth on his neck. Chan sighs as Felix starts kissing and biting. He’s mostly mimicking what Chan was doing, but Chan doesn’t mind. It feels _electric_. 

Chan has tipped his head back and he’s digging his fingers into Felix’s thighs in a bid to keep enough self-control that he doesn’t do anything stupid. Felix is pressing his thumb into Chan’s trapezius muscle and doing incomprehensible things with his tongue. “Stupid… tongue,” Chan says between heavy breaths, completely and utterly inarticulate.

“Hm?” Felix hums, his lips vibrating against Chan’s throat. 

“Fuck,” Chan says because that’s suddenly the only word he knows—or at least one of the only words, because Felix’s name is also on his lips.

He vaguely realizes his hands have gone around to grab Felix’s ass. He has such a nice ass, but Chan can hardly think straight. His vision is foggy, so he closes his eyes. Felix is still working, movements now slick with saliva. His hair occasionally brushes Chan’s jawline and it’s ticklish. “Felix,” Chan says, tone breathy and way too high out of his mind.

“Yeah, babe?” Felix says, the pet name finding its home low in his chest.

“Fuck, it feels good,” Chan says. The encouragement makes Felix continue his kissing. Chan briefly worries that maybe there will be marks, but he can’t think straight right now. He has to trust Felix will have enough restraint to make the right choices here.

Chan is about to lose his restraint to not grind his hips up. Somehow, at some point, Felix ended up close enough that Chan is pretty sure he can feel his dick. Maybe? His mind only knows pleasure right now, and—oh shit, he did roll his hips up.

“ _Shit_ ,” Felix says, stopping his work on Chan’s neck. His fingers dig into Chan’s shoulders hard enough to leave bruises. Felix stutters through rolling his hips back against Chan’s, as if the command from his brain didn’t quite go through.

They get through a few more motions before Chan snaps back into focus. “Ah, Felix,” he says, worry coloring his voice. He gently pushes Felix away. He uncrosses his legs and makes sure there’s enough space between them.

“Shit,” Felix says again, chest rising and falling with his deep breaths. Chan makes a point to not look at the semi-noticeable bulge in his jeans. He puts his hands in front of his own lap because he can feel that he’s not exactly modest right now. “That was…”

“Good,” Chan finishes. “A little much, so maybe we should take a break. But yeah. Good stuff.” Felix giggles. “No, seriously.”

“I think your neck is more sensitive than mine,” Felix teases.

“I… No comment,” Chan says. Felix laughs at him, and Chan joins in. “You can take some credit there, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“You, uh, kiss well,” Chan says.

“Thanks,” Felix says, laughter escaping from the absurdity.

“And about the—” Chan’s voice falls silent when he hears the front door opening followed by muffled voices.

They stare at each other with wide eyes for a moment. Then Chan quickly starts looking around for his shirt. Felix finds it first and tosses it to him. He puts it back on, but both of them are still panicking. “Phone,” they both say at the same time. 

Felix grabs his phone off the computer desk. He throws himself onto the bed and tries to lounge in a nonchalant way. Familiar game music plays quietly from the phone. Chan pats his hand around under the bed until he finds his laptop. He starts it up and leans back against the headboard. At least the laptop covers the last bit of his sort-of erection.

Not even a second later, the bedroom door opens. “Oh, there you two are,” Changbin says. He closes the door behind himself and tosses his hat onto his bed. 

“Hey,” Chan greets, keeping his eyes on the laptop screen as if he had something open.

“’Lix-yah, are you ignoring me?” Changbin asks in a whiny tone. 

“No,” Felix says. “Hey, Hyung.” 

That answer isn’t good enough, though. Changbin sits on the bed and throws his arms around Felix. “How was your day?” Changbin asks, voice obscured by Felix’s arm.

“It was fine,” Felix says. He locks his phone and sets it down. “How was yours?”

“Good. We ate well,” Changbin says. “How was your date?” He shifts so he can make eye contact with Chan.

“It was good,” Chan says casually. He knows Changbin means date in a general manner, but his heart still skips a beat. 

“You two have been spending a lot of time together,” Changbin says. 

“Huh?” Chan says because he doesn’t trust himself to say anything else.

“Like more than usual,” Changbin says. “I feel like Felix isn’t as affectionate with me anymore.”

“Is it like that?” Felix asks.

“I thought you liked Hyunjin?” Chan asks. 

“Yeah, but he hates me,” Changbin says. “Felix was affectionate. At one point, anyway.” Changbin sighs and sets his hand on Felix’s knee.

“Eh, I still see him hanging off you pretty often,” Chan says. Felix raises an eyebrow at him, but Chan just smiles.

“It’d be awkward to be in a love triangle, since we share a room,” Changbin says. “And what are we supposed to do with our Yongbokkie who hasn’t even had his first kiss yet?” Felix chokes on laughter. “What?”

“Nothing, nothing,” Felix says. 

“Hey Hyung, are you innocent like ’Lix?” Changbin asks. Chan laughs from the awkwardness. He and Felix did sort of talk about this, at least.

“I’ve met a few people,” Chan says.

“So, you’ve at least had your first kiss,” Changbin says. “Do anything… fun?”

“You’re juvenile,” Felix says. His skin is flushed, and Chan isn’t sure how much of it is because of what they were getting up to before.

“Some things, yeah,” Chan says with a casual shrug. “No sex, but that’s how it is when you’re young. You?”

“Ay, you know,” Changbin says, eyes flicking to the side and a smile pulling at his lips. “I dated a couple girls in high school, but not much comes out of that.”

“Surprised you dated anyone, with how cringey ‘Wow’ came out to be,” Felix jokes.

“Hey!” Changbin says. “I did date, sort of. A little. At least I kissed someone! And I am a pretty good kisser.”

“Uh huh.”

“Wanna find out?” Changbin asks, gaze sliding up to meet Felix’s.

“No thank you, Hyung,” Felix says diplomatically. Chan swallows laughter.

“Well, at least I’ve given you a kiss,” Changbin says.

“Hm?” Chan hums, visibly perking up. Changbin doesn’t seem to think much of it.

“Don’t you remember? On broadcast, when Felix got the dare. He chose me because he was already falling in love with me.”

“Ah, I see,” Chan says. He remembers Changbin aggressively holding Felix’s throat and then kissing him on the cheek. “Speaking of… Felix, you like getting choked or something?” It may be a bit mean to joke about, and Chan considers feeling guilty when he sees the dark blush rising under his freckles.

“No!” Felix says. “It was just—it’s because it was broadcast. And it was a dare, so I couldn’t push him away.”

“’Lix was struggling a lot though,” Changbin muses to himself. He grabs Felix’s thigh and shakes his leg. “Maybe our innocent Yongbokkie likes it rough?” Felix covers his face and laughs it off with the others. Chan files away the comment for later.

“More like you’re sadistic, Hyung,” Felix says.

“Yah, who taught you that word? Where do you go on the internet?” Changbin teases. 

The door opens before the banter can go further. “Why are you guys so loud?” Jisung asks, poking his head into the room. “It’s almost midnight! I’m trying to sleep.”

“You’re being loud,” Chan says, and they all devolve into laughter.


	3. Chapter 3

After a long day at the studio, Chan is thankful for the casual text he receives from Felix in the evening. _The others are out right now_ , Felix says. The message could have been about anything, but Chan quickly wraps up the project he was working on and heads home.

A cursory look around the pile of shoes when Chan goes through the front door confirms that everyone is still out. He doesn’t know or care where they are tonight. He shucks off his own shoes and slips off his mask. “Felix?” Chan calls, already canvassing through the apartment.

“In here,” Felix says from further back. Of course, he’s in their room. _Is he…?_

Chan opens the door slowly, the anxiety of anticipation making him hesitate. The lights are off except for the dim glow of a bedside lamp and the monitors Felix sits in front of. He’s curled up in his gaming chair, headphones pulled off his head. And shirtless. Felix is shirtless.

“Hey,” Chan greets, closing the door behind him. He’s seen Felix shirtless before—hell, the fans have seen him flash his abs before—but this is the first time Chan has seen him like this after they started dating.

“Hey, babe,” Felix says back. His voice sounds tired, and he stretches his arms above his head. Chan tries not to gawk at how his muscles move. Honestly, Chan never would have guessed he would be turned on by the sight of another man’s muscles, but now is not the time for second thoughts. 

Chan plays it nonchalant, approaching the chair and leaning down to kiss Felix’s cheek. “How ya goin’?” he asks, eyes wandering to the computer screen. A title screen for some game is displayed on the center monitor.

“Fine,” Felix says. “I was tired.”

“Was?”

“You’re here now, so I shouldn’t fall asleep,” Felix says. He offers Chan a cheeky smile. 

“You should sleep if you’re tired,” Chan says. A part of him does want to fool around, but his heart would rather Felix take care of himself.

“Or we could take the opportunity of having the dorm to ourselves for the first time in like, a week,” Felix says. He exits out of the game and turns off the monitors. The blue light fades. Chan can hardly make out Felix’s distinct expressions, but he knows Felix is looking up at him. 

“What do you mean by that?” Chan asks. 

“Oh, come on,” Felix says. He stands, and Chan steps back so there’s enough room for him to move. “You know what I mean.”

“Sorry, babe,” Chan says. Felix grabs his hand. “I’m afraid I don’t.”

“Fine, I’ll…” Felix leads him over to Chan’s bed. “Can you sit?”

“Here?”

“Yeah.”

Chan sits on the bed with his back against the wall like Felix indicates. “So, what do you want to talk about?” Chan asks, barely keeping his tone straight when Felix straddles his lap.

Felix laughs at Chan and sets his hands on his shoulders. Chan keeps his hands to his side, not wanting to be too forward. “Honestly, I had forgotten about this—but since you asked.”

“Yeah?”

“Are you jealous?” Felix asks. 

“About what?” Chan is far too busy staring at Felix’s chest.

“You said that comment to Changbin, about how—”

“Oh yeah, that,” Chan says. He’s still not too sure what he meant when he said that, but at least they’re talking about it. He settles by responding with a question. “Should I be jealous?” Felix laughs again.

“No, I wouldn’t worry about anything,” Felix says. 

“’Cause it means something different than when you touch me, right?” Chan lets his hands wander up to Felix’s thighs.

“Yeah, it’s touching because I’m—I don’t know, needy, I guess?” Felix laughs at himself.

“Nothing wrong with that,” Chan says. “Jisunggie is the same way.”

“Exactly. I do skinship with them because we’re close. It’s comforting. It’s never…exciting.”

“And this is?” Chan asks, hands sliding under his thighs.

“It always is when you touch me,” Felix says. 

“Never comforting?” It’s partly to tease, but Chan can’t ignore the twinge of insecurity.

“I didn’t say that,” Felix says. “You’ve comforted me plenty of times. I trust you.”

“I trust you too,” Chan says under his breath, avoiding eye contact. His face feels hot already. “So yeah, I’m not jealous. It’s nice knowing you have a lot of people who care about you, a lot of people you’re comfortable with.”

“Glad that’s settled,” Felix says. His voice is distracted, and his hand migrates up so his thumb can stroke Chan’s neck.

“Speaking of,” Chan says. While he has enjoyed Felix’s attention to such a sensitive area, he still isn’t entirely comfortable with it being bare. “Are we gonna talk about the other thing I said in that conversation?” Felix tilts his head, his eyebrows furrowed. “When I asked if you liked—”

“Ahh, that, okay,” Felix says. He looks away from Chan, an embarrassed laugh bubbling in his throat. Chan holds back his own laughter and waits for Felix to answer. “Okay, so, I can’t answer that question.”

“Because?”

“Because I haven’t actually been… choked. Like that. Like, it seems kind of hot in theory, but I don’t know.” His fingers fidget with the neckline of Chan’s shirt.

“Do you wanna try it?” Chan asks. Felix worries his bottom lip.

“Sure?”

“We don’t have to if you feel uncomfortable.”

“No, like I said, I trust you.” Felix takes a deep breath. “We can try.”

“Seriously, we don’t have to. I’ve never, uh, choked someone before, so…” But Felix grabs his hand and guides it up to where his shoulder meets his collar bone. 

“There was something else I wanted to ask you to do today,” Felix says.

“Anything you want,” Chan says. He rubs his thumb back and forth across the base of his neck, barely applying any pressure.

Felix leans forward so Chan feels his breath puffing out against his neck. Chan can’t help reflexively lifting his chin. But then he feels Felix’s mouth near his ear. “Sweetheart,” Felix says in his lower register. Chan shivers. “I want you to make me come tonight.”

“Fuck, of course,” Chan says. Felix presses a kiss under his jaw, and Chan’s breath catches. “’Lix, seriously, you’ll be the death of me.”

“Come on now, don’t go dying on me,” Felix says. He pulls back so Chan can see his expression, that cheeky grin and those shining eyes. 

“As you wish,” Chan says. He remembers the hand on Felix’s throat. He shifts the grip so he can press his fingers and thumb into the sides. Felix lets out a shaky breath. “Is this okay?” Chan asks, still not applying any pressure.

“Yeah,” Felix says.

“Okay, I’ll start off gentle,” Chan says. “But feel free to push me away or take my hand off if you want to.”

“Alright.” Felix shifts in Chan’s lap, just enough that Chan can feel some friction. 

Carefully, gently, Chan squeezes the sides of Felix’s neck. After their conversation with Changbin, Chan most certainly did not look up articles on how to safely choke out one’s partner. He definitely did not do that. 

Felix’s breath audibly catches, and Chan can feel Felix’s pulse flutter beneath his fingers. Chan carefully checks Felix’s expression and posture to make sure he’s comfortable. His eyes have slipped closed, and his mouth is parted a little. Felix arches his back, shifting slightly in Chan’s lap. After a few seconds, Chan loosens his grip. Felix opens his eyes slowly, gaze falling to meet Chan’s.

“Well?” Chan asks. His hand slides down so it rests on Felix’s shoulder.

“Well,” Felix repeats, a smile creeping onto his lips. “I liked it, I think.”

“It wasn’t too hard?” Chan asks. Felix shakes his head.

“I think it was just right? At least to start at,” Felix says. “And you can hold it a bit longer if you want.”

“Are you sure?”

“Channie, I would tell you if I felt differently,” Felix says. He grabs Chan’s hand and slides it back up around his neck. “Again?”

“’Course,” Chan says. He leans up to kiss Felix, fingers pressing again. 

His grip isn’t nearly tight enough to keep Felix from breathing, but Felix still acts like it is. Chan feels his own breath being taken away when their lips meet in a messy kiss. He breathes in, stealing back the air he took. Felix presses down against him, deepening the kiss and making Chan’s hand put more pressure on his throat. Chan pulls back so he doesn’t hurt him, the question of taking a break floating through his mind.

But then Felix grinds his hips down, far more purposefully than his earlier shifting. “Fuck,” Chan says, mouth disconnecting. His hand slides down from Felix’s neck so his palm rests over his pectoral. His other hand moves up to grab Felix’s hip so he can line them up properly.

Chan relishes in the sound of Felix moaning, quietly but deeply, as if the sounds are only barely escaping. He leans forward against Chan, arching his back to get a better angle. When Chan feels his breath on his neck, he lifts his chin up. Immediately, Felix’s mouth finds his skin. 

“Ah, fuck,” Chan moans. He regrets wearing jeans today because all this together is too much. He knows he should push Felix away, or they’ll end up making a mess, but it feels too good. 

Felix is freer with his teeth this time, hands moving his collar away so he can get at the base of his neck easier. Chan’s vision has gone blurry, but the rhythm has stuttered so Chan maintains enough consciousness. Now is the time, so Chan gently pushes Felix away.

“’Lix,” Chan says, breath heavy. 

“What?” Felix leans back on Chan’s legs, but his hands still reach out to touch, to fiddle with the hem of his shirt. 

“I told you I’d do something for you,” Chan says. Felix’s mouth curls in an embarrassed smile. 

“Did you?”

“Come on, get off me,” Chan says. Felix gets off his lap, settling beside him, unsure. “Like this,” Chan says, using his hands to guide Felix into a reclined position. Chan sits between his legs. He pulls off his shirt, feeling Felix’s eyes rake over his body.

“You’re so hot, babe,” Felix says. 

Chan leans over him and presses a kiss against his jaw, so Felix can’t see the blush on his cheeks. “So, is there a particular way you want to do this?” He presses more kisses, working his way down Felix’s neck.

“If you wanna just use your hands this time,” Felix says, unfocused. “And then I could…” His hand reaches up to Chan’s abs, fingers sliding down until the tips catch on the waistband of his jeans. 

“Okay,” Chan says against his skin. His teeth bite just below where his neck meets his shoulder. 

“Fuck,” Felix breathes out. Chan keeps biting until a mark shows up, though it’ll likely fade by tomorrow. Felix’s fingers curl on his waistband, chilled fingertips pressing against Chan’s hot skin. Felix angles his hips up, but Chan doesn’t meet him.

“Was that too much? Did it hurt?” Chan asks, though he’s sure from Felix’s response that it didn’t. He licks over the pulsing skin before moving back up to kiss Felix.

“No, it was… it was…” Felix doesn’t bother finishing, instead pressing into the kiss.

Chan slides a hand down Felix’s torso, touching his toned abs for the first time. It feels foreign, the concept of relishing in something so masculine. But the thrill has been outweighing the strangeness for a while now, so Chan doesn’t hesitate. Since his other hand is occupied with balancing his weight, Chan has to work Felix’s jeans undone with one hand.

He manages after a moment, though it was hard to focus while Felix was kissing him like that. “Can I?” Chan says between kisses. His hand pauses, going back and forth across the edge of Felix’s boxers.

“Please,” Felix says, angling his hips up impulsively.

Chan reaches under the fabric until he feels short hairs. There is an excited tension between them. All Chan can hear is the mixing of their breaths, and his eyes are trained on Felix’s cheek in an unfocused gaze, the dim lighting concealing most of his freckles. Chan reaches lower, and Felix’s breath catches when he finally touches his cock.

Felix lets out a breathy groan when Chan grabs his dick and pulls it out, so it rests against his stomach. He’s already so hard, precum leaking. “Like this?” Chan asks, letting his fingers stoke up the underside. Felix nods his head, eyes scrunched shut. Chan tries to recall how he touches himself. The uncharted territory risks ruining any sort of confidence he might be able to scrape together.

“Or would you prefer,” Chan says, encircling his fingers around the shaft lightly and twisting his wrist. “If I… as in, okay, dry? Or spit?” Felix laughs, though it sounds strained.

“No clue, babe,” Felix says. 

“Okay, how about this?” Chan asks. He moves his hand around the head so he can brush his thumb across Felix’s slit. 

“Shit,” Felix groans. Chan spreads the precum around, slicking his palm enough to move up and down comfortably. Felix jerks his hips up and lets his head fall back. 

They settle into a rhythm. Chan is surprised with how easily he gets used to, how easily he finds pleasure in getting Felix off, hearing his curses and moans. Soon, Felix’s thighs are shaking and he’s babbling vague words about being close. “Channie, please,” Felix whines, pulling into his higher register. He hardly gets the words out before he comes, making a mess all over his stomach.

Chan strokes him through it until Felix starts pulling away from his touch. Felix is staring up at the ceiling, trying to catch his breath. Chan sits back on his heels, his clean hand idly going across Felix’s leg. “Fuck,” Felix finally says. “I think…”

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” Felix says. “Can I—Is it okay for me to say that already?” He laughs to himself.

“Well, we have known each other for a long time,” Chan says. His heart is full and his skin flushes. “And, I think I love you too.” They laugh together.

“Love,” Felix says to himself. He sits up, a dumb smile on his lips.

“If you loved me,” Chan says. “You wouldn’t leave me hanging.”

“Shut up,” Felix says. “I wasn’t planning on it.” His hands migrate to Chan’s waistline.

“Go on,” Chan says. He leans back so the angle is more comfortable, and Felix undoes the jeans. He reaches in tentatively. Chan can’t help moaning when Felix touches him. He doesn’t know how long he can last, with the delicate movements and the contrasting temperatures. 

“Oh shit,” Felix says, pulling his dick out. “I mean, I kinda expected, but…”

“What?”

“Your dick is pretty big,” Felix says with a laugh. Chan smiles to himself, but he demurs.

“Hardly.” Felix rolls his eyes. “The reason you can barely fit it in your hand is ‘cause your hands are so small.”

“Hey!” As if to prove a point, he closes his grip around the shaft. It does fit in his hand, but Chan enjoys getting a rise out of him. Especially if it means Felix wants to prove him wrong.

Felix seems a lot surer of himself than Chan was. Or, at least, he’s willing to experiment more. Chan doesn’t mind at all, especially when Felix spits into his palm so the friction is smoother. Chan knows he won’t be able to last long, but he tries his hardest to, even as Felix leans forward to kiss his neck.

But feeling Felix’s teeth on the sensitive skin is the last straw, and Chan comes, shooting on both of them. Felix lets go of him, but they stay in embrace. Chan feels like his bones have settled and all he wants to do now is rest in Felix’s arms. Except, that may start feeling a little gross.

Chan pulls away, carefully guiding Felix so he’s lying on his back. “What are you…?” Felix trails off. His eyes are glazed with fatigue. 

“Relax,” Chan says. He gets up and grabs some tissues from the box on the computer desk. He wipes the cum off his own stomach and tucks himself back into his jeans. Then he sits beside Felix, mattress dipping under his weight. 

Felix watches him idly, not even bothering to move. Chan finds it cute, how tired Felix looks. “Do you wish you had gone to bed?” Chan asks, running a tissue over Felix’s hand.

“Of course not,” Felix says. He winces when Chan tucks him back into his jeans.

“Stay here,” Chan says. Felix hums in response. Chan tosses the tissues and then leaves the room. 

He’s certain that nobody else is home, so he walks confidently. Even if someone were home, he wanders around shirtless enough that no one would give a second glance. He finds his way to the bathroom to get a damp washcloth.

“Seriously?” Felix asks when Chan comes back into their room.

“What?” Chan asks. Felix rolls his eyes, but he does look happy when Chan runs the cloth over his stomach.

“Nothing,” Felix says. “You just do so much.”

“I figured you’d want to sleep soon, and maybe you’re too tired to shower or whatever. It’s comfortable, yeah?” 

“Yeah, you’re right,” Felix says. His eyes slide shut as Chan finishes cleaning.

He leaves, discarding the cloth in the hamper before returning. “Are you gonna sleep in jeans?” Chan asks.

“No, I’ll change,” Felix says. But his posture remains stationary. Chan leans over him, hands going down his hips.

“Do you want help?”

“Channie, seriously,” Felix says, but he doesn’t struggle. He shifts enough for Chan to get the jeans off. 

“Do you want anything, or do you wanna sleep in your boxers? It’s cold these days.”

“On my bed, there’s a pair of joggers,” Felix says. Chan throws the jeans on Felix’s bed then throws the joggers at him. “Thank you, Hyung.”

“No problem,” Chan says, sorting through his own clothes to find something more comfortable to wear. Felix wiggles into the joggers, impressively without sitting up. 

“Are you going to sleep?” Felix asks, tone coated in fatigue. He’s curled up on his side, watching Chan change.

“Not right away,” Chan says. “I’m gonna try and get some work done. But feel free to stay here if you don’t want to climb up to your bed.”

“Good,” Felix says. His eyes have slipped shut, so Chan stares at him without reserve. Despite what they were just getting up to, Chan is stuck on how cute Felix looks with his mussed hair and sleepy expression. The fading bruise Chan left on his shoulder is hidden by his current position and the low light-level of the room, so Felix looks almost innocent.

Chan grabs his laptop and sits on the bed beside Felix. He can’t tell if Felix has fallen asleep already, but he doesn’t react. Chan allows himself to look for a moment longer before he resolves to get work done. The vague ideas about a love song have started solidifying recently. It will be nice to get a song produced, even if he may feel too embarrassed to show the others.

He isn’t sure how long he’s been working for when his focus is interrupted by noise from the front of the apartment. Chan can’t help jumping, even though the situation is already nonchalant. The voices are too quiet to know who’s home yet. 

He hears some doors open and close, and then Jisung’s voice call out, “Felix?” Chan slides off his headphones properly, assuming that Jisung will eventually make his way in here. Barely a moment later, there’s a knock on the door.

“Come in,” Chan says. Jisung opens the door.

“Hey, Hyung,” Jisung greets. “Is Felix—oh, is he sleeping?”

“Yes,” Chan says much quieter than Jisung was speaking. 

“Oh shit, sorry,” Jisung says in a badly done whisper. His eyes linger on Felix, and he takes a step inside.

“Did you need something?” Chan asks. Jisung seems to consider it before closing the door behind him.

“Yeah, actually, I was going to ask him something.” Chan closes his laptop and Jisung comes to sit across from him. “But I guess I can ask you.”

“What’s wrong?” Chan asks. There’s something about Jisung’s tone that is too serious.

“That’s what I was gonna ask,” Jisung says. “Or, well, more like, is there something wrong with ‘Lix?” He’s watching Felix while he speaks, a hand going out to rest on his calf.

“No?” Chan responds, unsure. “I don’t think so.”

“Oh, then is there something bothering you, Hyung?”

“No, I’m fine,” Chan says. “Why do you ask?”

“It’s just that, I don’t know, you two have been spending a lot of time together,” Jisung says. “Like, a worrying amount, I guess. Changbin Hyung noticed it too, you know. I thought maybe something was bothering Felix. You know how he is. He doesn’t like to mention anything if he’s upset. I figured he may lean on you if that was the case. I was going to offer if he wanted to talk or something.”

“That’s kind of you,” Chan says. “But I think he’s fine. Yeah, I guess we have been spending a lot of time together, but he’s been in a good mood every time. Maybe, he’s been homesick, if anything.” Chan stammers through the response, and he kicks himself for not being smoother. Of course someone was bound to notice their new closeness, they just aren’t ready to tell anyone yet. Though, he hates that it has made Jisung worry.

“So there’s nothing bothering you?” Jisung asks. Chan shakes his head.

“I’m fine,” Chan says. Jisung doesn’t look convinced.

“I swear, for the past, like, three weeks, you’ve been pretty spacey, Hyung,” Jisung says. “Not necessarily in a bad way. Just, distracted.”

“Sorry,” Chan says. He really does mean it, and it feels weird to not be completely forthcoming with him.

“It’s fine, it happens,” Jisung says. He nods his head to the laptop. “You working on something?”

“Oh, yeah,” Chan says, and he wonders if Jisung can see him blushing in the dim lighting.

“Wanna share?”

“Hmm.”

“At least give some hints? Do you think it’ll be the next title song? Or…?” Chan racks his mind for something to end the line of questioning. “Oh, is it that love song that you’ve been writing?”

“What?” Chan asks, voice pitching too high.

“Ahh, so you _do_ have a crush on someone!”

“Shh, Felix is sleeping,” Chan says. No way Jisung can’t see him blushing, regardless of how little light there is in the room.

“Hyung, who is it?” Chan doesn’t think he’s ever seen Jisung so excited. He’s gripping Chan’s upper arm and shaking him.

“No one!” Chan whispers harshly. “And you can’t tell anyone about it!” Chan knows he’s digging the hole deeper.

“If it’s no one, then why can’t I tell anyone?” Jisung asks. Chan holds a finger in front of his mouth. “Bro, give me a hint. A friend? Or a dongsaeng? Or a noona, even?”

“I don’t have a crush on anyone,” Chan says. Which, to an extent, is true. He doesn’t have a crush on Felix, so much as he’s in love with him.

“Do I know her?” Jisung asks. Chan hesitates. “Oh, so I do! Is she a trainee, or part of—”

“You’re going to wake Felix,” Chan says. Felix hasn’t even stirred.

“He sleeps through everything, stop ignoring the question,” Jisung says.

“Okay, will you drop it if I promise to tell you later?” Chan asks.

“Like, how later?”

“Soon,” Chan says. “Within like, a month, maybe.” Chan curses himself for giving the two of them a deadline.

“A month?” Jisung frowns. “Ugh, fine. I’ll bother you approximately thirty days from now.”

“Thank you,” Chan says. He sighs in relief. He made it out of this problem, though Chan imagines that things will keep building until they share their little secret with the members.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that talks about homophobia, specifically internalized homophobia because of religion. It may be a bit uncomfortable for some people, so please take care of yourselves when reading.

“You said there was something you wanted to talk about?” Felix says. Chan looks over both his shoulders, even though he knows they’re alone in the dorm.

“Yeah,” Chan says. He tries to formulate how to best approach this as he unpacks the groceries. The kitchen is at least clean for their endeavor. 

“And?” Felix asks. 

“After you had fallen asleep—this was a couple nights ago—Hannie came in looking for you.”

“Did he need something?” Felix puts most of the things away but leaves out the ingredients which the recipe calls for.

“Apparently he’s worried about you since we’re spending so much time together,” Chan says. Felix laughs.

“Oh, really? I guess that makes sense, and we have been spending a lot of time together.”

“But the reason I’m mentioning it is because I’m a terrible liar,” Chan says. “He asked about—so, we had a conversation a while ago about love songs, and he assumed I had a crush on someone—”

“Do you now?”

“Yeah, it’s you, idiot. I just didn’t realize it at the time,” Chan says. “So when we were talking a couple nights ago, he started pressuring me about who I have a crush on. And I sorta said I would tell him soon.”

“Soon?” Even though Chan isn’t looking directly at Felix, he can feel his gaze come to rest on him.

“I said about a month,” Chan says.

“Ah, okay.”

“I mean, we were going to tell the others anyway, right?”

“Yeah, it’s just…” Chan looks up and meets Felix’s gaze. “Nothing. Yeah. Eventually, we should tell them.”

“Considering what we got up to last time, maybe the relationship feels kinda serious?” Chan asks. He hates how unsure he sounds, but he also doesn’t want to be too pushy.

“No, I think… we are, right? I wouldn’t have wanted to… if we weren’t,” Felix says, skin flushing. He goes back to preparing, pulling a couple of bowls out and some measuring cups.

“Cool, just checking,” Chan says.

“Can you get the flour?” Felix asks.

“All-purpose?” Chan asks, already heading to the pantry. He grabs the hefty bag and brings it over to where Felix is, kicking a chair over so he can set the bag on it.

“Thank you,” Felix says. He gives Chan a smile and says, “you’re so strong, babe.”

“Nah, it was nothing, babe.” They laugh together and Felix starts measuring out flour. 

“So… when are we going to tell them?” Chan asks. Felix doesn’t answer until he’s done measuring.

“Um, later?” Felix laughs to himself, the melody uncomfortable.

“Is it about how we’re in the same group?” Chan asks. Felix grabs the baking soda in silence. “Or because they’re mutual friends?” Silence again. “Or is it because you don’t want to tell them you’re gay?”

“Channie…” Felix twists his mouth in a grimace.

“Have you come out to anyone?” Chan asks on a limb. He has no recollection of the topic ever coming up in the group, though maybe members have talked about it without him.

Felix sighs. “I haven’t come out to anyone in real life,” he says. “Just, like, internet friends. But that was anonymous, so it doesn’t really count.”

“I’d argue that it counts,” Chan says. “And you came out to yourself, so that means something.” Felix watches Chan, no words being said. “Are you worried they’ll look down on you? Or is it something more personal?”

“Both?” Felix says. “But the former feels more, like, irrational. I trust them not to be weird about it.”

“So what’s the internal struggle?” Chan asks. Felix taps his fingers on the counter.

“It’s…” Felix repeats. “Where’s the salt?”

“Here,” Chan says, reaching behind him to grab the container. “So?” Felix doesn’t bother even measuring, just shaking some salt into the bowl.

“It’s complicated,” Felix says.

“Is it because, you know, the religious thing?” Having been raised Christian, Chan has an idea about that, though he imagines that it was worse growing up Catholic. Felix hums.

“It’s complicated,” Felix says again. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Chan asks. If Felix doesn’t want to, then he can always bring it up later when Felix has had more time to process it.

“We should,” Felix says. “Let me get the dry ingredients together, first.”

“Sure,” Chan says. “Just tell me what to do.” He passes the things to Felix as he asks for them. Chan doesn’t say anything when Felix tells him how much butter to portion out and set in a pot to melt. They stand on either side of the pot and watch it.

“It’s not really a thing,” Felix says softly.

“Hm?”

“Like, the Church has its views,” Felix says. “The ‘inclinations’ are like any inclination to sin, so it’s the act that’s sinful.”

“So…?”

“But the Church also said usury was a sin, and—” 

“Usury?”

“Like, getting interest off debts or something,” Felix says. “It’s archaic. And that’s the point. The Church also justified slavery and monarchy, you know, all things we consider wrong now.”

“I’ll be sure to let the Queen know.”

“I’d rather not get my Australian citizenship revoked, thank you.”

“Okay, then I won’t tell her next time we get tea together,” Chan says. They both laugh. “So, you think it’s wrong about being gay too?”

“Yeah, probably. I hope so, anyway. I try not to think about it too often, honestly. Sometimes I feel more Protestant, because it feels like a conversation to have with God instead of a priest. And I don’t really do my obligations, so maybe I’m a bad Catholic,” Felix says with a laugh.

“I’m sure God understands,” Chan says, though the words feel hollow. Felix scoffs in a good-natured way.

“Thank you, Hyung,” he says. “It’s melted, let’s take it off.”

“Okay,” Chan says. “So, are you comfortable with yourself?”

“Comfortable enough,” Felix says.

“Do you know if Jeonginnie feels the same way?” If Chan were to guess if any of the members were homophobic, he would guess Jeongin purely on religion.

“Kind of?” he says, tone going up at the end. “We talked about it, vaguely. He’s ambivalent, but his reasoning is different. ‘Everyone deserves happiness, and it doesn’t make sense like the other sins do’.”

“So is there a reason not to tell the others soon?” Chan asks.

“Hmm, it just feels kind of strange? Like it’s different reasoning it to myself versus having to tell people and then waiting for their judgement. With you, it’s easy to forget because I like you so much, but the others…”

“Yeah.” 

They spend some time working quietly, only sharing words to get the tasks done. There is something calming about it, Chan being able to watch him unabashedly while they bake together. Despite the heavy conversation and the still unanswered question, Chan feels at peace. 

“Thirty minutes,” Felix says after they put the pan into the oven. He runs a hand through his hair, still white from their last promotions. “We should clean.” 

“There’s still some batter left over,” Chan says, grabbing the mixing bowl. Felix gives him a knowing smile.

“It’s all yours, Channie.” Chan smiles to himself. The spoon they were using to mix has already been discarded, so Chan swipes his finger across the side to get some batter. “Classy,” Felix says.

“You can have some,” Chan says, licking the chocolate off.

“You know I don’t like to eat it,” Felix says.

“Yeah, but I should offer,” Chan says. Felix comes to stand by his side and watches him eat some more. He shakes his head in mock reproach. “What?”

“You should keep your hands clean,” Felix says. But then he reaches into the bowl and scoops batter onto two of his fingers.

“Wha—” Chan is cut off by Felix holding his hand right in front of his mouth.

“Let me do it for you,” Felix says casually, as if he were offering to take something off his hands. Chan cuts his eyes to him, blush rising on his cheeks. Felix’s expression reveals nothing. Chan opens his mouth enough for Felix to slip a finger in.

He curls his tongue around to get most of the chocolate off. The batter is sticky enough that Chan has to suck on the skin a little. Felix doesn’t say anything, just lets his other hand rest on Chan’s shoulder. They’re standing close enough that Chan’s hip presses against Felix’s waist.

“Does it taste good?” Felix asks. He pulls his finger out enough to slip the second one in. Chan opens his mouth, completely pliant. He’s not entirely sure with what’s going on right now, but he’s not complaining.

“Mmhm,” Chan tries to hum around the fingers. A half-smile pulls at Felix’s lips when a bit of drool escapes from the corner of Chan’s mouth. The chocolate has all been licked off, but Chan is still running his tongue over his fingers.

Felix drags them out across his bottom lip, then slowly pushes them back in. The aftertaste of brownie batter is still in his mouth, though now Chan can taste Felix’s natural flavor mixed in. His hand smells faintly of the soap they have in the kitchen from all the times he washed his hands while baking. The moment is so strangely intoxicating that Chan doesn’t bother wiping off the drool running down his chin to his neck.

But the moment is broken by the sound of the front door opening. Felix jerks his fingers out of his mouth, and Chan rubs the back of his hand across his face to try and clean the spit off. 

“Hello?” Minho’s voice calls. Chan becomes aware of his somewhat hard dick. He inches closer to the counter, so it’s hidden.

“Hello, Hyung,” Felix says. He’s gone back over to the sink, the faucet running.

“What are you guys up to?” another voice, Jisung’s, asks.

“Baking,” Chan says, managing an even tone.

“Oh! What are you baking?” Suddenly Jisung is hanging off Chan, looking over his shoulders at the empty batter bowl.

“Brownies,” Felix says. Eventually Jisung decides this isn’t what he was looking for, so he steps away. Chan finds enough calmness to turn around, nonchalantly leaning against the table.

“Regular brownies? Or those candy brownies you made last time?” Minho asks. He sets a bag which looks to have food containers in it on the counter. He peers into the window of the oven door.

“Regular,” Felix says. “Channie Hyung helped.”

“Did he help, or did he just eat the batter?” Jisung asks. He sneaks a bit of batter on his finger to eat.

“Hey, I helped!” Chan says.

“Wasn’t asking you,” Jisung says. “I was asking Yongbokkie.”

“Tell him I helped, ba—bro.” Chan coughs, hoping neither of them can make sense of his slip.

“He helped,” Felix says. Chan knows him well enough to catch the awkward lilt of his tone, but Jisung and Minho seem not to notice. “And then he ate the leftover batter.”

“Sounds about right,” Minho says. “Though Jisung may steal the rest from you, Hyung.”

“Eh, it’s fine,” Chan says. “I’ve had enough sweets today.” He ignores the urge to make eye contact with Felix.

“Thanks,” Jisung says, gladly taking the bowl.

“Hey, wanna play a game after we finish cleaning?”

“Sure,” Minho says. “Just don’t let the brownies burn.”

Chan is not surprised when he comes back to the dorm and sees people sitting around the living room. Jeongin, Hyunjin, and Minho are doing their own thing, but Chan’s eyes focus on Felix, who’s sitting on the couch across from Jeongin, playing a game on his phone. Chan was hoping he could catch Felix alone, but it will have to be good enough. He isn’t sure he can wait longer. 

“Hey, Hyung,” Jeongin says. The others mumble greetings without looking up. 

“Hey,” Chan says back. He sits between Jeongin and Felix casually, though a tad closer to Felix than he otherwise would. Jeongin gives him a glance but determines that Chan isn’t going to bother him.

Chan leans against Felix casually, looking over his shoulder at the phone screen. It looks like a racing game, but Chan isn’t familiar with it. Either Hyunjin or Minho isn’t using headphones, so there’s enough background noise that Chan is pretty sure the others won’t be able to parse his words if he speaks in English. “Whatcha up to?” Chan asks.

“Playing a game,” Felix says back. His tone betrays that his focus is divided. Chan lets his hand rest on Felix’s knee. Casual. “You?”

“I’ve been thinking,” Chan says. Truthfully, there’s only one thing Chan has been able to manage a train of thought on. It’s been a distraction, especially since he hasn’t been able to find Felix alone. 

“About?” 

“Hm, more like obsessing over something, but that’s the average when it comes to you.” The game declares that Felix has lost. 

“Of course I win again,” Minho says. 

“I hate you,” Hyunjin says under his breath. 

“Again,” Jeongin says. Another round starts.

“What is it?” Felix asks, almost too quiet to hear.

“I was thinking about when I was eating the brownie batter a few days ago,” Chan says. He can hear Felix’s sharp intake of breath.

“Yeah?” His tone is cool, as if they weren’t talking about anything.

“I dunno, just thinking about maybe wanting something else in my mouth.” He applauds himself for saying it with an even tone and a straight face. No way the others can guess what he said.

“Chan,” Felix starts, but then lowers the volume of his voice. “Are you saying…?”

“Yeah,” Chan says. Part of the recurrence of this thought is the strangeness. Chan has never thought about sucking dick, but the feeling of having Felix’s fingers in his mouth left a certain mark, a certain void after they were taken out. It took hardly any time for Chan’s brain to make the jump to dick.

“Honestly, I was kind of hoping you might think of that,” Felix admits.

“Oh really?” The laughter threatening to break out between the two of them is interrupted by Hyunjin.

“Yah, Yongbok-ah, it’s no fun if you don’t pay attention,” Hyunjin says.

“It makes it easier to win,” Jeongin says.

“Like you could,” Minho says.

“Sorry guys,” Chan says.

“Sorry,” Felix says. Chan settles against his side and forces himself to be patient. He doesn’t know when they’ll be able to meet privately again, so he can’t be anticipating it too much.


	5. Chapter 5

Chan wants to find a distraction right now. He’s been suffering over this track for a while, and unless he finds a distraction he’ll continue sitting here on his bed until the light from his laptop burns his eyes out. He doesn’t know how to stop, even when it’s what’s good for him. So, Chan sits there, slowly trudging through this composition.

Until the door opens. 

He drags his dry eyes up from the screen. “Felix?” Chan asks. Felix has a wide smile on his face and a bounce in his step. He shuts the door behind him. “What’s…?” Chan blinks his eyes, trying to focus them. 

“Are you busy?” Felix asks. Chan shakes his head. “Good.” Felix comes up beside him and sets his hand on the lid of Chan’s laptop. He pushes it closed. Chan raises an eyebrow as Felix sets the laptop aside on Changbin’s bed.

He is kept from asking questions by Felix straddling his lap without warning. Chan’s hands come to rest on his hips on their own accord, Chan’s mind still dragging slowly. He eyes the door over Felix’s shoulder wearily. Felix leans forward so his mouth is right under Chan’s ear. “The others just left,” Felix says.

“Huh?”

“Seungmin and Hyunjin went to get lunch,” Felix says. “So, we’re alone right now.” Chan lets himself relax into Felix’s embrace.

“Oh, good.” He slides his hands up under Felix’s hoodie, surprised when he feels skin straight away. The skin is warm against his cold fingers, and Felix shivers. “Is there something you’re lookin’ for, babe?”

“If I’m remembering properly, you promised me something.”

“Did I now?” Felix pulls back enough to see Chan’s smirk.

“You said you wanted something in your mouth?” Felix asks. He traces a hand up Chan’s neck then brushes his thumb across Chan’s lower lip.

“Ah, you mean that,” Chan says. 

“Do you still want to?” Felix asks. “You don’t have to.”

“No, I want to,” Chan says. He grabs Felix’s thighs and repositions the both of them so Felix is sitting on the bed and Chan is between his legs. “You know, I haven’t done it before.” 

“Don’t worry, babe,” Felix says. “As long as you’re willing, I’m not going to complain.”

“Okay, I’m just—”

“Nervous?”

“Yeah.” He tries to distract himself by playing with Felix’s hair, fingers tangling in the back strands. 

“Again, don’t feel obligated,” Felix says. “We can just make out if you want.”

“How about we do both? Start with making out then…”

“Sure.” Chan moves so he’s straddling Felix’s thigh. He leans over to kiss him. One of Chan’s hands wanders up Felix’s side, dragging his shirt with it. 

Kissing Felix is as good as it always is. Part of the reason Chan is having such issues with the love song is because he hasn’t quite found a way to translate this feeling into chords. Felix kisses like he’s out of breath but like he has all the time in the world. He kisses how he talks, how he thinks. Chan loves hearing him talk and seeing the map of his thoughts be drawn out by his words. It feels like an absolute blessing to be able to feel that experience when Felix kisses him. There is no consistent rhythm in his kisses. He’ll pause at random and switch paces faster than Chan can process.

But somehow, it works. Chan can always move with him, or at the very least he can always follow him. He knows he’ll always follow Felix, no matter where he goes. Just from the kissing, Chan’s body sinks down to rest over Felix’s and it feels like home. Australia feels like home and the dorm even feels like home—but Chan’s real home must be with Felix.

“What are you thinking about?” Felix asks. He looks up at Chan, his eyes dark and his expression relaxed. Chan is too dizzy to answer right away, but Felix doesn’t seem to mind.

“You,” Chan finally says. Felix snorts and rolls his eyes.

“Cliché,” Felix says.

“It’s true though,” Chan says. He presses a kiss to Felix’s jawline. “You’re,” he kisses his neck, “perfect.”

“Aw, come on,” Felix says. But he’s beaming from the praise. He’s always enjoyed verbal praise, but now Chan knows that in the right situations it’ll make his dick hard.

“Seriously, babe,” Chan says. He moves down so he can kiss the sliver of bare skin below his shirt hem. “I love kissing you,” Chan says. “You take my breath away.”

“Cliché,” Felix repeats. Chan pushes his shirt up so he can move further.

“Maybe,” Chan says. “It can’t be helped though. I love everything about you.” Felix pushes his fingers through Chan’s hair, his own feelings left bare in the movement.

Chan sits up, considering the man laid out before him. “How about… I think it might be easier if I…” Chan starts, but stops. 

“Whatever you want to do,” Felix says. He props himself up to watch Chan stand.

“Come here,” Chan says. He uses his hands to help get Felix into position with his legs hanging off the bed and Chan standing between them.

“Like this?” Felix asks, looking up at him.

“Yeah,” Chan says. He pulls off his shirt, smiling when Felix rakes his eyes over his body. Chan kisses him before taking off his shirt as well. He kneels down, hands on Felix’s legs. “Do you still want me to mark up your thighs?”

“Oh,” Felix says with a light blush. “Uh, yeah.”

“What, did you think I’d forget about that?” Chan pulls down his sweatpants and throws them to the side. He brushes his thumbs against the inside of his thighs, teasing on going up past the hem of his boxers but never committing to it.

“No, I didn’t,” Felix says. “I just… ah, it’s embarrassing.”

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Chan says. “It’s not like I’m going to judge you for liking something.”

“Hmm.”

“Felix, I love you, which means I trust you,” Chan says. “And you loving me also means that you trust me, right?”

“I do,” Felix says. “And, I… I like it when, you know, it hurts a little bit.”

“Okay,” Chan says. “So, let me know if I do something too soft or too hard, if the pain is too much or if you want more.” Felix nods, the dark blush making his freckles stand out. “Can I take these off?”

“Yes,” Felix says. Chan slides the boxers off, Felix lifting his hips to help. Chan kisses the inside of his thigh.

“Beautiful,” Chan murmurs. Felix’s breath hitches when Chan brushes his teeth across the skin. “Softer or harder?”

“Harder,” Felix says. Chan bites harder. “I’ll tell you when it’s too hard.” Chan bites the same place, holding longer than before. “Ahh, that’s good.”

Chan moves further up his thigh to suck another mark, earning soft moans with each one. He scratches his nails lightly on Felix’s other thigh. Then he switches. He glances up at Felix to see him leaning back on his hands with his head tipped up. His dick is hard, pressed against his stomach and Chan hasn’t even touched him yet.

He reaches out, gently grabbing his dick at the base, and Felix sighs. “Ready?” Chan asks, though he’s unsure if he’s asking Felix or if he’s asking himself.

“Yeah,” Felix says. It’s enough motivation for Chan to stick his tongue out and lick the side.

Surprisingly, it tastes like skin. Chan isn’t sure what he was expecting, but the reality is pretty banal. He licks again, this time flattening his tongue so there is more contact. Felix moans. Okay, Chan can do this. It’s weird, but also kinda hot. 

He folds his lips over his teeth and takes the head of his cock into his mouth. “Shit,” Felix says to himself, eyes firmly glued to the ceiling. His hands grip the side of the bed so hard his knuckles are white. Chan breathes through his nose and tries to relax enough to slide further down. 

He tastes the first bitterness at the back of his tongue, and Chan pulls away. It’s not a bad taste, but he still scrunches his nose. _It will have to be an acquired taste_. 

“You good?” Felix asks.

“Hmm? Yeah,” Chan says. He idly moves his hand. “Just… uh, adjusting.”

“Adjusting?” Felix repeats, a giggle bubbling behind the word.

“Hey, I haven’t done this before,” Chan says.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“But I do want to,” Chan says. Felix opens his mouth to speak again, but no words come out when Chan goes back down on him.

He bobs his head up and down, mindful of the few tutorials he definitely did not read after the last conversation they had. Felix groans, and Chan can see him holding himself back from moving his hips. Chan pulls away. “You can move if you want to,” Chan says.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” He doesn’t say that it’s because he’s not at risk for choking, but he did manage to take all of Felix’s dick without having to deepthroat. “I’ll tap on your leg if I need you to stop.”

“Alright,” Felix says. “Though, did you want to, uh, swallow?” His face is flushed from the exertion, but also from the embarrassment.

“Maybe not,” Chan says. “At least this time.”

“Whatever you want, no pressure,” Felix says.

Chan takes him in again, going all the way down to the base. Okay, the tip does brush the back of his throat, but Chan fights through the light twitch of his gag reflex. He can manage this, especially with those pretty sounds Felix is making. Felix is hesitant in moving his hips to meet him, but Chan likes the roughness dragging against his lips.

“Chan,” Felix says between quick breaths. “Close, like, now.”

He pulls off and snaps his wrist to jerk Felix off. His legs are shaking, and it only gets worse when Chan leans down to bite the inside of his thigh. “Fuck,” Felix says. Chan’s name is on his lips as he comes, making a mess across Chan’s chest.

Felix leans back on his hands, half-reclined as he tries to catch his breath. Chan gets up, and he grabs a tissue from the desk to wipe the cum off his chest and the bit that managed to make it up on his neck. He kneels beside Felix and runs a hand through his hair.

“How are you?” Chan asks.

“Great,” Felix says, a wide smile pulling at his lips, grand affection shining in his eyes. “C’mere.”

He draws Chan into his lap. Chan wraps his arms around Felix’s shoulders and tries not to fall off as Felix sucks on his neck. Felix unbuttons his jeans to pull his dick out, and Chan practically hisses from the feeling of relief.

“I’ll take care of you, don’t worry,” Felix murmurs against his spit-slicked skin.

Chan sits there in his lap, practically keening as Felix jerks him off. It burns a little dry, but he’s already leaking, so Felix spreads the stickiness around to get less friction. Chan doesn’t imagine he’ll last long, not with Felix’s mouth on his neck and his hand touching his already sensitive cock.

“Felix, please, please,” Chan whispers, not even thinking of the words coming out of his mouth as he comes undone. 

Felix responds with sweet words as Chan comes down from the high. He carefully maneuvers him to the bed. “Wait here,” Felix says. He’s gone for only a moment before he’s back with tissues. He wipes himself down and then takes care of Chan.

“Love you,” Chan says when Felix settles in his arms.

“Love you too,” Felix says. 

“Do you think the others will be gone for much longer?”

“Probably.”

“So we don’t have to get up right away?”

“Nope,” Felix says, an excited smile on his lips.

“Perfect.”

“I do have a question for you,” Felix says, tracing patterns across Chan’s bicep with his fingers. Chan raises an eyebrow. “Next time—and not to ask for so much since you did just give me head and it was great—but could you, maybe, fuck me?”

“Like…?” Felix nods. Chan lets out a harsh sigh. “Wow, yeah, I’d love to.”

“I’ll look forward to it then.” Felix presses closer, and Chan welcomes him. The lustful excitement is strong, but it’s nothing compared to the pure affection he feels for Felix.

“Do we still have radish?” Felix asks, regarding the shelf full of radishes. Chan purses his lips.

“I think so? At least enough for tonight.” Felix shrugs and pushes the cart forward. 

“Okay what’s next on the list?”

“It’s not for dinner, but Seungmin asked if we could grab some sweet potatoes,” Chan says. “He said he’ll pay us back, but I’m gonna cover it.”

“No, I will.”

“…Felix.”

“I’m buying the groceries anyway.”

“I’ll send you money.”

“Like I’d let you.” Chan sighs, but decides to relent. It is Felix’s job to get the groceries for tonight. It’s just that Chan couldn’t pass up an excuse to spend time together. Even if it’s in public, there is more freedom than if they were at the dorm. Chan can occasionally hold Felix’s hand and call him ‘babe’ without garnering looks.

They finish up the actual shopping relatively quickly, since Hyunjin went to the store a couple days ago. But the group spontaneously decided to make dinner together tonight and watch a film, so Felix was sent out with a list. He pays for all of it, even the handful of random things the members asked for. “I can carry it all,” Chan says as they leave.

“What? No,” Felix says, guarding the two bags he’s holding. The streets are relatively full, so they have to walk together closely. 

“Babe, there’re only four bags. Give.” 

“Exactly. I can hold two and you can hold two. Easy.”

“Or, let me take care of you? It’s a couple blocks,” Chan says. 

“You take care of me a lot,” Felix says.

“If you say so,” Chan says.

“Hey, stop being insecure.”

“I don’t think I’m insecure.”

“Affirm it for yourself.”

“I’m not insecure?”

“Ah, yes. Very firm.”

“Fine,” Chan says with an eye roll. “I’m not insecure.”

“So you know that you do enough? That I know you care about me?”

“…Yes.” He winces, knowing Felix is about to call him out on his unsure tone.

“Channie.”

“I know,” he says. “And I know that you know that I care about you.”

“Good,” Felix says. He shifts both bags onto one hand so he can hold Chan’s hand with his other. 

“Why do you have to be so aggressive about this?” Chan asks. But there’s a dumb smile on his face from how warm he feels, even in the chill of Korean winter.

“Because, you need to love yourself as much as I love you,” Felix says. Chan sighs. “Or at least, as close as you can get, because I kind of love you a lot.”

“Love you too,” Chan mutters. He thought he was used to how much Felix just _gives_ , how much he’s willing to just love. But since they’ve started dating, Chan has discovered a whole new depth.

Felix lets go of his hand when the dorm building comes into view. They head up the stairs, but Felix pauses in front of the door. He checks around the empty hallway. Before Chan can question him, Felix kisses him.

“What was—”

“Just something small before we go in,” Felix says. They share a smile, and Felix unlocks the door.

“There you are,” Minho says when they enter the kitchen.

“Did we take too long?” Chan asks. Minho laughs and shakes his head.

They unpack the groceries. Minho directs them on where to put ingredients while Hyunjin starts on the prep work. The other members migrate to the kitchen, offering hands or avoiding work.

“Please don’t make it too spicy,” Chan says as he watches a pan darken to deep red.

“I got you, Hyung,” Hyunjin says. “I’m making a non-spicy one, don’t worry.”

“Such a baby,” Felix teases, not even looking up from his task of cutting green onions.

“Hey,” Chan says.

“It is kind of surprising that you can’t handle spicy food, even after living in Korea for over a decade,” Jeongin says.

“I’ve tried to,” Chan says. “But even when it’s tasty, I just can’t.”

“Weak,” Felix says in his typical high-pitched voice.

“I don’t need this from you, babe.” Chan’s body freezes, all laughter gone from his tone once the last word escapes his mouth. Felix cuts his eyes up to look at him. The brief beat of silence feels like an eternity until Jisung laughs.

“What?” Changbin asks, an oddly serious look on his face.

“What was that?” Jisung asks. His loud laughter breaks the tension. “You give me shit about calling people ‘baby,’ but you call Felix ‘babe’?”

“It’s an Australian thing,” Chan says quickly. “It’s a sort of, uh, inside joke?”

“Yeah,” Felix says. “He calls me that to give me shit.” He sounds much surer than Chan did.

“You people are weird,” Hyunjin says in English. The others laugh at his comment.

“Why is ‘babe’ any weirder than ‘baby’?” Chan asks, forcing his own laughter.

“It’s more ‘cause it was you who said it,” Jisung says. “And we don’t say ‘babe’ anyway. Sounds funny.”

“Proof that Channie Hyung is the one who didn’t learn Korean well,” Changbin says. “Kidding,” he adds when Chan pouts at him. 

“If you want to stop squabbling, can I get a hand here?” Minho says. 

“I got you, _babe_ ,” Jisung says, going over to Minho. Chan rolls his eyes. 

“And it’ll be done soon,” Minho says. “Make sure the table is clean.”

The members who aren’t actively cooking start clearing off the table. Seungmin serves bowls of rice, and Chan sets out the utensils. Minho and Hyunjin serve the main dishes, and Felix goes behind them with the side dishes. The members grab drinks and find seats around the table.

“Thank you for the meal,” they all say. 

Without even meaning to, Chan ended up sitting beside Felix. He makes sure to act casual, the way they’ve been acting in front of the members. After the first round of commentary on the food, Hyunjin launches into a retelling of a particularly intense round of _Among Us_. With everyone focused on Hyunjin, Chan lets his left hand casually come to rest on Felix’s thigh.

Felix doesn’t react to the light touch. It’s a common occurrence between any of them, so Chan doesn’t even feel excited about it. What he does feel excited about is the covert movement up Felix’s thigh. His hand curves so his fingers can rub slow circles on the inner part, and it is then that Felix gives him a look, a vague smile pulling at the corner of his lip. 

His focus goes back to the food in front of him, but Chan can feel his posture change. His hips slide forward on his chair and his legs drift open a bit more. Chan moves his fingers lazily, a slow, comfortable pace. Jisung has started a story when Felix leans closer to Chan, enough to whisper something.

“What are you doing?” Felix asks, the smile back on his face.

“Just something small,” Chan says. Felix giggles, but goes back to a casual distance. Chan revels in the sound, in the warmth beneath his fingers and the domesticity of it all.

The moment is cut when Chan notices Changbin’s gaze. His expression is unreadable. Chan can only register how unnerving the expression makes him feel. He has half a mind to ask Changbin if something is wrong, but Changbin looked away the moment they made eye contact. _Was he…?_

“How about you, Channie Hyung?” Jisung asks.

“What?”

“You weren’t listening?”

“No, sorry. Hyung was distracted,” Chan says. He retracts his hand from Felix’s thigh, the previous warmth now mysteriously gone.

“You’ve been pretty spacey recently,” Changbin says. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Jisung says. “We have more important matters to talk about.”

“Right, please remind me of what I missed,” Chan says. So Jisung goes on a surprisingly elaborate scenario that is hard to keep straight, even when Chan is giving his full attention. By the end, Chan manages an answer that seems to satisfy Jisung.

“If we’re all done,” Minho says. “Shall we see who has to clean up?”

“We all know it’s going to be Changbin Hyung, why bother?” Jeongin asks.

“Yah,” Changbin says. They still play rock, paper, scissors, even though Changbin losing is inevitable. 

“Are we still going to watch a film?” Seungmin asks after Changbin officially loses.

“I don’t think we ever decided on one,” Minho says.

“Let’s decide then,” Chan says. “We’re all together here anyway, might as well watch a film. How long has it been since last time?”

They discuss which film to watch while Changbin cleans, eventually shuffling over to the living room. Minho scrolls through the options, becoming increasingly frustrated as they fail to reach a consensus. Chan is distracted from the debate by Felix grabbing his hand.

“Hyung,” Felix says softly. “Do you know if we still have popcorn?”

“I think so?” Chan shrugs.

“Do you think the others would want to have some?”

“Sure.” Felix smiles and goes back to the kitchen. Chan can’t help the fond smile as he watches him go, warmed by Felix’s conscientiousness. 

“Changbin-ah!” Minho yells.

“What?” Changbin yells back to be heard over the sound of the sink running.

“Which film do you want to watch?”

“I don’t know.”

“No one knows!”

“I don’t care, just pick!”

“Aigoo, fine,” Minho says. He scrolls through a few films before arbitrarily clicking on what looks like a cheesy action flick. “This one. No arguing.”

“Sounds good,” Chan says for the sake of having a solution.

“Changbin come here!” Minho yells. “Quickly!”

“Stop yelling at me!”

Minho rolls his eyes before joining the others in claiming their seats. Chan takes a seat on the floor, leaning back against the couch on the far side with one leg stretched out and the other one tucked up against this chest. The couch can fit four comfortably, maybe five if they try. Tonight, Chan doesn’t mind ceding his priority as the eldest. Jeongin sits in front of the couch on the other side, and Hyunjin sits beside him. The other three take seats on the couch. 

Changbin finally joins them. Felix is still in the kitchen, the aroma of popcorn drifting into the living room. Changbin raises his eyebrows as he spies the empty spot on the couch. “Go ahead,” Chan says when Changbin hesitates.

“It’s a bit rare,” Changbin says, though he gladly takes the spot between Jisung and Seungmin.

“Yongbok-ah!” Minho yells. 

“It’s almost ready,” Felix says. “You can start it.” Minho presses play and the opening scenes start.

Felix comes in a moment later, a bowl of popcorn in his hands. He flips off the lights on his way. Changbin and Seungmin shift away from each other to make room so Felix can sit between them. But instead, Felix hands the bowl off to Jisung then passes by everyone without a second look. He sits between Chan’s legs and leans back against his chest. 

Chan readjusts his arms so they’re loosely around Felix’s shoulders. His heart skips a beat when Felix grabs his hand and strokes his thumb across the back. The weight of him feels good against Chan, and Felix seems so small curled up in front of him, body framed by Chan’s legs. Chan reminds himself that Felix does this sort of stuff all the time with the others; it’s nothing out of the ordinary. He still can’t help checking the others out of the corner of his eye.

They all redistributed themselves on the couch to have equal spacing. Minho, Jisung, and Seungmin watch the film without a second glance at Felix. Changbin however, seems to be watching them. The lighting is dim enough that Chan can’t quite tell. He also seems to be frowning, though that could just be because he had to clean the kitchen. Chan tries to turn his attention back to the film.

Though, his attention ends up drifting more to Felix. Not even halfway through the film, Felix falls asleep, still gripping Chan’s hand. Chan’s free hand is resting across Felix’s stomach, fingers absentmindedly rubbing against the cotton shirt. The film is boring, but even if it were interesting, Chan isn’t sure if he would prefer watching it to just enjoying having Felix in his arms. 

_This is what it could be like always_ , Chan muses to himself. _If the others knew, we could do this stuff all the time without worrying_. He allows himself the private fantasy of the members knowing, even though Chan is willing to wait however long Felix needs to. The reasonable fantasy evolves further as Chan’s thoughts wander. He envisions everyone knowing—their management, their fans, _everyone_. The fantasy assumes that everyone is okay with it, that their relationship is practically celebrated. Chan doesn’t expect that one to ever come true, but he does find guilty pleasure in it. 

The fantasizing keeps him occupied until the film is over. The members start getting up as the credits roll. Chan shifts his legs, but Felix is still asleep. He groans something unintelligible and refuses to get up. “Felix,” Chan says softly. No answer. Felix scrunches his eyes and rubs his cheek against Chan’s chest. 

“What time is it?” Jeongin asks, eyes searching for a clock.

“Bedtime,” Hyunjin says. “That film was too long.”

“Agreed,” Minho says. 

“Looks like someone is already asleep,” Jisung says. The others’ gazes all fall on Chan and Felix. 

“Felix, wake up,” Chan tries again, heat climbing up to his ears.

“No,” Felix mumbles. 

“I thought ’Lix didn’t do these things to you?” Seungmin teases, an evil smile on his lips. Chan laughs awkwardly, aware of how often he’s complained that Felix didn’t show him this sort of affection before they started dating.

“He must be tired,” Chan says. He shakes Felix’s shoulders gently. Most of the members have ceased caring and gone off to their rooms.

“Should I wait up for you two?” Changbin asks. “I’m going to sleep.”

“I’m probably going to work for a bit before going to bed, but I’ll be quiet,” Chan says. He shakes Felix’s shoulders one more time, and finally Felix properly opens his eyes.

“Yongbok-ah?” Changbin asks.

“What?” Felix asks, tone sleepy. He sits up, freeing Chan enough so he can stand. His legs are numb after having Felix lean on him for so long.

“Are you going to bed now or later?” Changbin asks. Felix pauses.

“I’ll go to bed in a bit,” Felix says. “I wanna play a few rounds first.”

“Changbin said he’s going to bed,” Chan says.

“Oh, I’ll be quiet, don’t worry,” Felix says. 

“Cool,” Changbin says. He turns away and goes to the room.

“Did I sleep through the whole film?” Felix asks. He forces himself to stand.

“Just about,” Chan says. 

“Did I miss anything?”

“I wouldn’t know,” Chan admits, rubbing at the back of his neck.

“Yeah?” He’s smiling at Chan’s sheepish expression. 

“The others said it was a pretty shit film, but I was too distracted to watch it.”

“By what?” He leans against Chan, jostling their shoulders together.

“Nothin’.”

“Sure.”

“Come on, we don’t want Changbin to start worrying,” Chan says. He steps toward their room.

“You think he would?” Felix asks. Chan hesitates. He wonders if it is paranoia clouding his mind, and if he should share that paranoia with Felix.

“Nah,” Chan says. He turns back around. “Come on.” Felix follows him to their room.

Changbin has turned off the lights except for the lamp between the beds. He looks over his shoulder at them before tugging on his pajama shirt. “Channie Hyung,” Changbin says. “Are you staying here or going to the studio?”

“Staying,” Chan says. “I’m only going to do a little work.” Felix sits in his gamer chair and slides on his headphones. Chan makes a point to not stare at him affectionately. 

“Anything interesting?” Changbin asks. He gets into bed, pulling the covers over himself. 

“Oh, nothing,” Chan says. He avoids Changbin’s gaze as he sits on his bed and grabs his laptop.

“Doesn’t sound like ‘nothing’,” Changbin says. He’s scrolling through something on his phone. “Wait, was Hannie right about Hyung writing a love song?” Chan can’t help laughing.

“I’m not,” Chan says.

“Okay, Hyung,” Changbin says, though his smile is clear in his tone.

“It’s literally nothing,” Chan says. He’s known Changbin too long, though, and it feels way too natural to share his producing worries with him. The words flow out of his mouth before he can stop them. “I’ve made next to no progress on it. Everything feels too cliché.”

“Cliché can be okay,” Changbin says, more serious than before. “As long as things are genuine, yeah?”

“I know,” Chan says. “This song is just so different than anything else I’ve worked on.”

“Hyung can always ask for help, from me or Hannie,” Changbin says. “Do you want me to listen to it?”

“There’s not even a guide track. The parts right now don’t go together.” Even if it were put-together enough to show, Chan doesn’t know if he’d let Changbin listen to a song he’s writing about Felix.

“Then it may be best to set it aside for now,” Changbin says.

“It’s one of those things that I can’t put aside though. You know, one of those projects that’s frustrating and consuming. Every time I even think about producing, it’s the only track I want to work on.”

“Hmm, that’s difficult,” Changbin says. “Sorry, Hyung.”

“It’s fine. I’ll figure something out eventually,” Chan says. “I shouldn’t keep you up with my complaining, anyway.”

“No worries,” Changbin says, but he sounds grateful that Chan doesn’t legitimately need help at the moment.

“Goodnight, sleep well,” Chan says. 

“You too,” Changbin says. “Don’t stay up too late.”

“I’ll try.” 

Changbin sets his phone down and rolls over so he’s facing away from Chan. Chan turns off the lamp, so the only light in the room comes from his laptop and Felix’s computer. He opens the file that’s buried deep in his laptop. The file is an absolute mess so far, but Chan still feels the need to try to record the experience of falling in love with Felix Lee.


	6. Chapter 6

Chan breathes a sigh of relief when he doesn’t see Changbin in the living room. He spies Jisung laying on the couch, his head resting in Seungmin’s lap and his legs over the armrest. “Hey,” Chan greets. A few of the others return the greeting. “Changbin isn’t home, right?”

“Right,” Hyunjin says, sitting on the floor across from the couch. His focus is mainly on his laptop. Minho is beside him, similarly distracted by something on his phone, as is Jeongin. Seungmin, Jisung, and Felix seem to be the only ones engaged in whatever conversation was going on before Chan came in.

“Good,” Chan says. “I still have to get some stuff ready.”

“Didn’t we agree to head out like, five minutes ago?” Jisung asks, angling his head to try and see the wall clock. 

“Yes, and as long as I’m here to meet before Changbin, I’m on time,” Chan says. He leaves to go to his room. He grabs his laptop and everything else he needs for a long producing session. Since Changbin could be a while, Chan sits with the others.

He grabs the empty chair next to the couch that someone must have dragged from the kitchen table. His gaze naturally falls on Felix sitting across from him in the other chair from the kitchen. Felix offers a nonchalant smile, which Chan returns. He fights the urge to go to him and reach out. It’s been nearly a week since they could get any alone time. Someone is always home or Changbin is in the room. Especially after the last time they got alone time, Chan is itching to meet again.

“It’s so tragic,” Jisung whines. Felix has a hand on Jisung’s ankle, as if to comfort him, and Seungmin is patting Jisung’s side lightly.

“What’s wrong?” Chan asks. “Sorry, I wasn’t listening until now.”

“He’s complaining about still being a virgin,” Minho says, the eyeroll clear in his tone.

“Suddenly?” Chan asks.

“The conversation came up a while ago. Hannie is rehashing it,” Seungmin says.

“Well, isn’t it to be expected?” Chan tries. He’s conscious of his relationship, fighting to avoid looking at Felix.

“I’m twenty-one,” Jisung says. “I’ve barely even kissed anyone.”

“Hyung, it’s really not that abnormal,” Jeongin says.

“Shh, Maknae, you wouldn’t understand.” Jeongin sighs and rolls his eyes.

“Virginity is a social construct anyway,” Minho says. “Seriously, stop worrying about it.”

“Thank you very much, Hyung. That was very helpful,” Jisung says.

“Never mind then.”

“Okay, I’ll bite. What constitutes losing your virginity?”

“If those involved consider it sex,” Minho says matter-of-factly.

“That’s a terrible definition,” Jisung says. 

“Oh come on, like you have a definition.”

“I don’t. But I’m taking suggestions right now.” He crosses his arms, which makes Seungmin retract his hand. 

“Um, I always thought it was like, getting off together,” Felix says. Chan still avoids looking at him. He can only see Felix wringing his hands in his lap out of the corner of his eye.

“All due respect, Yongbok-ah, you are unable to submit a definition because you are even more of a virgin than I am.”

“You think so?” Felix asks. Chan can’t help flitting his eyes over, catching the wicked smile on Felix’s lips.

“Uhh, yeah? The last time we talked about this, you said you haven’t even kissed anyone.”

“Time has passed.” Why is Felix talking about this? Chan is close to covering his face in embarrassment. It doesn’t help that the others seem to be paying more attention to the conversation and less attention to their devices.

Jisung scoffs. “No way you’ve found someone to kiss in the past two—no way? Did you?” Jisung sits up harshly, a look of utter shock on his face. Chan can feel the tension about to break, everyone with questions on their minds. So, Chan holds his hands up, getting everyone’s attention.

“Felix,” Chan says calmly. “You’re an adult, so I’m sure you know what’s in your contract. I’m sure you’ve considered all the consequences, and I trust you’ve judged the situation to be safe.” Felix nods his head, his posture confident. “And it’s probably for the better that we don’t harass him about that sort of information. Plausible deniability and all that. Okay?”

Nobody looks happy, but Jisung lays back down, and people let their attention wander again. It’s quiet for a moment before Jisung speaks again. “Does she at least have a friend?” he asks.

“Sorry?” Felix prompts.

“Like, does she have a friend, who maybe wants to kiss me?” Jisung asks. He cringes at himself. Felix swallows laughter. There’s a nervous edge to Felix’s behavior that Chan hasn’t decoded yet.

“Well,” Felix says. He pauses, licking his lips and shifting his eyes around. “Are you interested in men or women?” Ah, so he’s decided to broach that topic now.

Jisung scrunches up his nose. “Women! Obviously,” Jisung says. Chan checks over his shoulder when the door opens, relaxing when Changbin comes in. He doesn’t say anything, just leans against the side of the couch and watches Jisung quizzically. “Yah, why even ask that?”

“What, is there something wrong with being gay?” Minho asks, his tone cold. Chan remains quiet, surprised at Minho’s harshness. Changbin’s eyebrows may as well have left his forehead. Chan feels sorry for him having walked in without context.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Jisung says. “Chill, I don’t care about that stuff.” He pauses, staring at the ceiling while he thinks. The atmosphere is more serious than before, so no one interrupts his contemplation. “I guess it was just shocking. Like, I know myself well, and I’ve always known without a doubt that I am straight. So it’s weird for the opposite to be assumed as an option? Asking the question wasn’t wrong or anything. Being gay is fine. I guess I’m also shocked because it was Felix who asked.”

“Why?” Felix asks. 

“Because you’re Catholic,” Seungmin says. The members glance at Jeongin, who has put his phone down but remains quiet.

“The whole difference is that the Church sets rules, right?” Hyunjin asks, his hand coming up to fidget with his cross necklace.

“Basically,” Felix says. He’s wringing his hands again. Chan wants to hold them in his, but that does not seem to be the right course of action at the moment. 

“And doesn’t the Church have a rule against being homosexual?”

“The teaching is that the acts are wrong,” Jeongin corrects. “It’s not a sin to be gay.”

“Same thing,” Minho says.

“No, it isn’t,” Jeongin says. “The Church says you can be gay without living in sin, but you sin when you act on it.”

“But it’s also in the catechism—is that the word in Korean?” Felix asks. Jeongin nods, so Felix continues. “It’s in the catechism that the Church can be wrong. If a teaching goes against your conscience, then you should listen to your conscience first.”

“But that catechism should not be abused,” Jeongin says. 

“I know,” Felix says. “But I can’t agree with the Church on this point. It can’t be correct.”

“Jeongin-ah?” Minho prompts.

“Everyone deserves happiness,” Jeongin says. “And if we’re all children of God, then it is not my place to pass judgement. It doesn’t make sense as a sin in the way that other sins do.”

Silence falls again, and it is again Jisung who breaks it. “Yongbokkie,” Jisung says softly.

“Yeah?”

“Are you…?” Jisung worries his lower lip between his teeth. “I don’t know. I’m just—because you asked me. Do you like men or women?”

“You shouldn’t ask in public,” Minho says sharply. 

“Sorry!” Jisung says. “You don’t have to answer, anyway.”

“No, it’s,” Felix starts. He sighs. “Fine. It’s fine. I’m gay. Homosexual. Whatever the words are in Korean.”

“You’re correct,” Chan says. He makes eye contact with Felix, hoping he can see how proud of him he is.

“Me too,” Hyunjin says under his breath.

“Huh?” Jisung prompts. 

“I’m gay too,” Hyunjin says louder. He still avoids meeting anyone’s gaze, keeping his eyes on his laptop as if the screen hadn’t gone to sleep a few minutes ago. “Women have never been interesting to me.”

“Thank you for being comfortable enough with us to come out,” Chan says. 

“Might as well,” Minho says. “I’m bi.”

“Thank you,” Chan says, aware of how awkward he sounds. Minho laughs at him and Chan joins in.

“Anyone else wanna come out?” Minho asks. 

“I’m pretty sure I’m straight,” Seungmin says. “But I’m not homophobic or anything, I still love you guys.”

“Thank you,” Chan says, just to get some of the others to laugh. 

“Also straight,” Jeongin says.

“Thank you.”

“Same,” Changbin says. “And also same to what Seungmin said. I love you all, don’t worry.”

“Thank you.”

“And you, Channie Hyung?” Jisung asks.

“Jisung—” Minho starts.

“I know! Minho Hyung said not to ask.”

“I don’t mind,” Chan says. He considers what to say. “Well, all my past relationships were with women, but…” He shrugs his shoulders and gives a half-smile. “Who knows?”

“That’s such a Bang Chan answer,” Jisung says. Even after dating with Felix, Chan hasn’t found himself looking at other men in a different way than before. He likes not having a label, at least for now.

“Since that’s all sorted,” Changbin says. “Can I ask how we got on this topic anyway?”

“Oh, Jisung was complaining about being a virgin, and then Felix, ah.” Chan pauses. “Felix implied some things about someone, then Jisung asked if Felix could introduce him to someone. Then Felix asked if he wanted to meet men or women and… yeah. That’s it.”

“I see,” Changbin says. His tone makes the hair on the back of Chan’s neck stand up. There’s something Changbin isn’t letting on. “Anyway, are we going to go to the studio to work on music or what?”

“Don’t ask like that,” Jisung says. “You were the one who came late.”

“I’m ready,” Chan says. He stands, grabbing his bag off the floor.

“Give me a second,” Jisung says before disappearing into the back.

“Of course he’s not ready,” Changbin says.

“It’s alright,” Chan says. “It won’t take long.” Sure enough, Jisung is back in less than a minute. The three of them bid farewell to the others and head out. 

The air is crisp outside, and Chan is glad for the cold air. He almost started sweating from the tension. Everything ended up okay, but that conversation could have been a nightmare if anyone felt differently than how they said they did. With that anxiety gone, there is a sort of euphoric high in Chan’s veins, making him walk down the street a pace faster than usual.

“That was so weird,” Jisung says. 

“Huh?” Chan asks, caught off guard.

“Like, it was kinda random,” Jisung says. “But also, I’m shocked that Felix broke his contract like that. I’m not gonna snitch or anything, but it seems out of character.”

“I don’t know,” Chan says. “Like I said, I trust his judgement. He’s not going to meet someone who could endanger anything.”

“Sure,” Jisung says. “I’m not worried. Just curious I guess.”

“As in… bi-curious?” Changbin asks, waggling his eyebrows.

“You’re gross,” Jisung says. “You’re the one who kissed him.”

“It was a dare!” 

“Hey now,” Chan says. He steps behind Jisung so he can walk between the two of them. 

“Oh, Hyung, I also want to apologize,” Jisung says, grabbing Chan’s sleeve. 

“About what?”

“I assumed it was a woman.”

“…What?”

“Context, Han-ah,” Changbin says. 

“Your crush,” Jisung says.

“You have a crush?” Changbin asks. Chan’s muscles tense again. He opens his mouth to speak, but Jisung is too quick.

“Yeah, he’s writing that love song about them,” Jisung says. 

“I knew he was writing a love song, but when did you talk about this?” Changbin asks.

“Last time was a few weeks ago, I think,” Jisung says. “Right, Channie Hyung? It was when I came into your room late at night—or I guess early morning, yeah?—and you were composing on your laptop. I was looking for Felix, because you two had been spending a lot of time together the past several weeks—still are, anyway—but, I was worried he wasn’t well. He was already asleep, though. He was… lying next to you… shirtless. You said he was… happy—oh my god.”

“Nope,” Chan says. Changbin grabs his shoulder, and Jisung has his hands around Chan’s lower arm.

“Yes!” Jisung says. Chan can’t tell if he sounds angry or excited. “You two are—oh my god. You’re the one who he—”

“Han-ah,” Changbin says. He glances around them. They’re on a relatively empty street, but there are still people around. If anyone recognizes them and overhears, there will be trouble. “We’re almost to the studio.”

They start walking again, Chan’s heart hammering. Changbin’s hand has gone down and around Chan’s upper arm. Jisung has released his grip, but Chan still feels it. Honestly, he’s not surprised they pieced it together. These two were always in the right place at the right time. Chan just doesn’t know what he’s going to tell Felix.

The silence is deafening, even though it’s short-lived. The building comes into sight and the three of them casually go to an empty studio room. They bow to staff members they pass by, betraying nothing. Changbin opens the door to the room for them. Chan takes his usual seat, setting his bag on the desk.

“So,” Changbin says, shutting the door. “Felix.”

“Yeah,” Chan says. He slouches forward, unable to look either of them in the eye.

“To be honest,” Changbin says. He leans against the door, and Jisung sits in the empty chair between the two of them. “I was kind of suspecting something, but I didn’t think it was possible until you came out.”

“You seemed suspicious,” Chan says, remembering all the times he felt cold from Changbin’s gaze. He’s wearing the same expression now. 

“How long have you been…” Jisung trails off and makes a vague hand gesture.

“Ah, two and a half months?” Chan tries to count in his head, and that number sounds right. “Yeah, it was right after Felix was talking about how he hadn’t had his first kiss. It just kinda. Yeah.”

“I’m going to assume that you realize how problematic this could be?” Changbin asks.

“Yeah, not only what you were saying to Felix earlier—which in retrospect sounds weird since you knew—but also. Within the group?” Jisung looks confused with himself after he finishes talking. 

“I know, I know,” Chan says. “Believe me. We both know. It just happened. And are either of us really supposed to acknowledge it and then do nothing? We’re careful enough.”

“You called him ‘babe’ in front of everyone, like, a week ago,” Changbin says. 

“Honestly? It’s because it’s comfortable at home. Even though we haven’t mentioned anything—and we did agree to tell everyone—it’s still easy to feel comfortable in front of the members. I didn’t think you guys would judge us, which was proven today.”

“We aren’t judging you about your sexuality,” Changbin says. He sighs. “I’m just. There are so many things that could go wrong here. You work together, you live together—we call each other family. Hyung, I just don’t want to lose any of that.”

“I know,” Chan says, matching Changbin’s genuine tone. “We both know it. But we can’t ignore it. I… I love him, Changbin.”

He looks shocked by the confession, as shocked as Chan feels admitting it. Sure, he’s told Felix before, but his tone has never been this serious. The words have never resonated in his heart like this. “I promise, we’ll be careful,” Chan says. “The last thing I’d want to do is endanger the group. It’s not only about me and Felix. There are eight of us, and I have a duty to take care of all of you. I’m not going to throw that away for anything.”

Changbin is quiet for a long time, his expression unreadable. Jisung looks between the two of them anxiously. Chan wants to break the silence, but he doesn’t know what else to say. Finally, Changbin speaks. “Promise?” he asks.

“Promise,” Chan says. He reaches out his pinky. Changbin scoffs, but he crosses the gap and hooks Chan’s in his. They stamp the promise with their thumbs.

“I promise you too,” Chan says, holding out his other hand to Jisung.

“We’ll hold you to it,” Jisung says. “We started this together and we’ll end it together, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Chan says. He releases Jisung’s pinky.

“Okay, so since Felix didn’t answer my question earlier, I’ll ask you,” Jisung says.

“What is it?” Changbin squeezes past both of them to get to the other chair.

“Do you have any friends you could, you know?” Jisung raises his eyebrows and gives a salacious smile.

“I have like one female friend, and she also has a no-dating clause in her contract.”

“Ugh, Sana Sunbae, right. Hyung, you need to get out more.”

“Or you can go find your own girlfriend,” Changbin says. 

“Bro, my social anxiety is way too severe for that.”

“Oh, so you haven’t found a girlfriend playing Overwatch?”

“Barely any women play Overwatch,” Jisung says.

“And he would have to be good at Overwatch to get a girl that way,” Chan says.

“Hey!”

“Chan Hyung is now the dating expert in the group, so his words carry authority,” Changbin says. He’s pulled out his laptop and started it up. Chan takes the clue and gets his own out.

“I know, that’s why it stings so much,” Jisung says.

“I have authority?” Chan asks. An embarrassed laugh escapes his throat. His fingers fidget against his laptop as it hums to life.

“Sure,” Changbin says. “Two months is something. Longer than I’ve ever met someone.”

“And, I don’t know, ’Lixie was implying _something_ ,” Jisung says. Changbin cuts his eyes to Chan, a dumb smirk on his face.

“Our innocent Yongbokkie?”

“He didn’t imply anything,” Chan says. He can feel the heat on his cheeks. He pulls the bill of his cap further over his eyes.

“Ah yes, just hand-holding for two months, I’m sure,” Jisung says.

“Why do you two even want to talk about this?” Chan asks. “You’re friends with him.”

“All due respect to him, but we’re your bros first, bro,” Jisung says. Chan laughs. “Come on, you’ve been keeping it secret all this time, don’t you want to talk about it?”

“You’re embarrassing.”

“So? Was Felix’s definition applicable to anything?”

“Oh wow.”

“What definition?”

“Minho Hyung was giving me shit about how there isn’t a good definition for sex, and ’Lix said he defined it as getting off together.”

“Ah, okay,” Changbin says. Chan is pretty sure they haven’t even talked on this topic together, so he has no idea how they’re so nonchalant about it. “Well?”

“Uh, yeah? I guess, by his definition. Then, yeah.” Chan covers his face and groans while they laugh.

“You’re so embarrassed,” Changbin says. He reaches behind Chan’s hand to pinch his cheek.

“How are you so calm?” Chan asks. Changbin shrugs.

“I don’t know, I’m just curious,” Jisung says. “There aren’t a lot of people I can ask about this with.”

“So my life is just one of your National Geographic videos?” Chan asks.

“Kinda,” Jisung says with his own shrug. “And Felix has always been reserved about this stuff, I guess ‘cause he felt shy about being gay or something.” Chan nods in agreement.

“Yeah, he’s not shy in private,” Chan says. 

“Oh my god,” Jisung says.

“For the record, Hyung, I already said it would be awkward if we were in a love triangle since we share a room, but I think you two dating is even more awkward for our situation.”

“Don’t worry, you won’t see anything.”

“I would probably stab my eyes out if I do,” Changbin says. “So let me know if you ever want me to stay out of the room.”

“Oh, uh, in that case,” Chan pauses to collect himself. “Can I ask you to do that sometime soon? Or, I guess, in a broader sense, would you two mind finding a reason to get everyone else out of the dorm for a bit?”

“Ohhh, what does Channie Hyung have planned?” Jisung asks.

“If you wanna ask me invasive questions, you have to wingman for me, bros,” Chan says. Might as well lean into the embarrassment. 

“Yeah, we could probably manage something,” Changbin says.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. What are you planning?” Jisung asks.

“Nothing,” Chan says too quickly. “He just said something last time we were alone, and it’s been on my mind.”

“Something?” Jisung presses. Chan hums and avoids eye contact.

“Maybe we don’t want to know,” Changbin says. “Or too personal.”

“Too personal,” Chan says.

“Alright,” Jisung says. “We’ll find a reason to get everyone away so you can make your move.” Chan rolls his eyes. 

“Thank you,” Chan says. “And, when we go back home, can you let me talk to him first, so I can tell him that you two know? I don’t want him to misunderstand anything before I can speak with him. It doesn’t feel right to do it over the phone.”

“Yeah, you’re right about that,” Changbin says. “I’ll hang around the living room or kitchen. You can send me a message when you’re done talking or whatever.”

“I won’t mention anything until you say I can,” Jisung says. “Don’t worry, bro.”

“Thanks,” Chan says. “Now are you guys gonna keep interrogating me, or do you want to hear a couple tracks I’ve been working on?”

“Yeah, go ahead,” Jisung says. 

The producing session passes quickly in the way they do when the guys are feeling productive. The session was good enough that Chan offers to treat them afterward, excited passion running through his veins. He also doesn’t mind an excuse to postpone going to the dorm and talking to Felix. It’s not that he’s worried about Felix’s reaction. Chan just wants to make sure he goes about it the right way, and his mind tends to catastrophize about these things.

“Thank you,” Changbin says when Chan hands him a cup of tteokbeokki. Chan hands another cup to Jisung.

“Thanks,” Jisung says.

“No problem,” Chan says. “You two decided to be cheap this time.”

“Last time we got together, you took us for barbecue,” Changbin says. “It feels like too much to ask for that again. And I’m not even that hungry right now.”

“Lies,” Chan says. “You’re always hungry.” Changbin shrugs but offers no retort.

They follow Chan to other food stands until he decides what to get for himself. Sausage is always a safe bet. They eat on the way home, meandering to give themselves time since the walk is so short from the company building to the dorm.

“Remember,” Chan says as they head up the stairs. “Let me talk to him first.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jisung says.

“And please don’t tell the others. We’ll tell them when we’re ready.”

“Of course, Hyung,” Changbin says.

“Thanks guys,” Chan says. He really is thankful for them, even as they brush off the gratitude.

They find the other members sans Hyunjin in the living room playing _Smash_ on the Switch. “Oh, let me play,” Jisung says once they’re through the door. 

“Next round,” Jeongin says. Changbin follows Jisung, and they sit in front of the couch with him.

“I wanna play too,” Changbin says.

“Channie Hyung?” Jeongin asks.

“Nah, I’m good,” Chan says. He stands behind the couch, positioned behind Felix. He’s focused on the game, so he doesn’t look up even when Chan rests his hand on his shoulder. That is, until his character dies.

He sighs and looks up at Chan with a smile. He puts his hand over Chan’s. “’Lix,” Chan says softly as to not draw too much attention from the others. In English, he asks, “can I ask you something?”

“What?” Felix asks. Chan jerks his chin over toward their room. Felix gets the message. “Jisung-ah, here take my place.” He hands Jisung his controller and stands.

“Thanks, man,” Jisung says. He meets Chan’s eyes for a moment with a knowing glint. Chan and Felix head to their room.

“What do you need?” Felix asks as Chan closes the door.

“Hmm, sit down with me?” Chan asks, going to his bed. Felix smiles to himself. 

They arrange themselves on Chan’s bed, Felix sitting between his legs and leaning against his chest. Chan has his arms wrapped around his waist, and his face tucked into Felix’s neck. Being this close together, Chan can smell Felix’s usual soap scent and the vague smell of the detergent they all use. “So what is it?” Felix asks, fingers tracing lines around Chan’s knee.

“On the way to the studio,” Chan says. Straightforward is the best option for this. “Jisung and Changbin were talking about coming out and crushes and stuff. They started teasing me about my little crush.”

“Yeah?” 

“Anyway, at basically the same time, the both of them connected the dots,” Chan says.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Felix is quiet for a while, then he asks, “what did they say?” Chan swears he can hear Felix’s heart rate increase. He takes Felix’s hand in his to keep it from fidgeting against his knee.

“They waited until we were in the studio. Changbin got all serious and asked if we knew what we were doing. But by the end of it, they were really supportive about it. They promised not to mention anything to the others until we say they can.”

“That’s good, at least.” 

“Sorry it ended up like that,” Chan says. “I know you wanted to wait to tell the others.”

“Yeah, well, Changbin is too observant for that,” Felix says. Some of the tension leaves his muscles. Chan releases his hand and rests his hand on Felix’s stomach.

“True,” Chan says. “And I said I’d message them after I told you, so let me do that now.”

“Alright,” Felix says. They shift around until Chan can dig through his pocket to grab his phone. He sends a vague message to the both of them.

“So,” Chan says, setting his phone down. “When do you want to tell the others?” Felix doesn’t answer for a long time. He’s warm in the way that he always is, keeping Chan comfortable despite the chill in the room. “I mean, I’m unsure of when would be good to mention it. Last time we talked, you said it was hard to wait for their judgement, but they clearly don’t care that you’re gay. Or that you’re, in theory, seeing someone.”

“You’re right,” Felix says. “I guess, there aren’t really any reasons to not tell them soon.”

“How soon are you thinking?” Chan grabs Felix’s hands in his, interlocking their fingers. 

“Mmm, soon,” Felix says. “I dunno, there is something kinda sexy about sneaking around?” Felix looks back at him with a playful smile.

“Kinda,” Chan repeats. Felix twists enough to give Chan a kiss, pulling friction against the insides of Chan’s thighs. His hip rests against Chan’s dick, making Chan gasp. “Suddenly?” Chan asks against his lips.

“The others are busy,” Felix says before kissing him again. “And I’ve missed you. It’s been, what? A week?”

“Just about,” Chan says. Felix hums and kisses Chan again. They deepen the kiss, enjoying the moment languidly. Felix frees a hand to touch Chan’s cheek and skim his fingers down across his neck. “Shit,” Chan says, but the word is swallowed up by the kiss.

Chan wraps an arm around Felix’s waist, hand going up under his shirt and pressing against his abdomen possessively. His other hand goes across to grab the underside of Felix’s thigh. He pulls a little, bringing Felix closer and making the edge of his hip bone drag up against the bulge in Chan’s jeans.

“Channie Hyung!”

They both startle, releasing their grips on each other’s bodies.

Changbin shuts the door behind him and shakes his head. “Hyung, you said you’d let me know if I needed to stay away,” Changbin says, a pout on his lips.

“Oh shit,” Felix says under his breath. He curls up and buries his face in Chan’s chest. Chan doesn’t need to look down to know that his cheeks are bright red.

“Sorry,” Chan says. “We thought you were playing games with the others.” Changbin hangs up his coat and throws his hat in the proper place.

“I’m not a fan of that game,” Changbin says. “I only acted like I wanted to play so you two could talk alone—I wasn’t expecting this.”

“Eh, it was spontaneous,” Chan says with a shrug. He plays it off coolly for Felix’s sake, but his own blood is running hot.

“Don’t want to know, Hyung,” Changbin says. He turns around and looks at them. “Ohhh, Yongbokkie.”

“What?” Felix asks, barely peeking out. Changbin goes to the side of the bed and reaches out to pinch Felix’s cheek.

“Look at you, so cute,” Changbin says. “Aww, you’re so shy.”

“Stop,” Felix says. “Chan Hyung!”

“No, fend for yourself,” Chan says. “You do look really cute.”

“Betrayal,” Felix says. 

He swats Changbin’s hand away and sits up. He bickers with Changbin, and Chan watches on fondly. Despite all of Changbin’s jokes about their situation being awkward, he takes the new dynamic in stride, enough of the old dynamic still there for everything to be comfortable. It makes Chan realize how much he wanted this, to be open about the relationship. It also makes him realize he wants _more_ , for the other members to know.


	7. Chapter 7

It comes together too slowly for Chan to realize the progression. A few comments here, a few plans announced there—all rounded off with a simple text in Chan’s group chat with Jisung and Changbin.

_Tonight 6pm_.

Somehow, they subtly managed to get everyone to be out of the dorm by then. Jisung will be dragging Minho, Seungmin, and Hyunjin out bowling, and Changbin will be taking Jeongin out to dinner and then a movie. It should be enough time, but they both promise to text Chan when they’re coming home. 

Which gives Chan a little less than two hours to prepare. 

First, he sends a message to Felix asking him to come home around six. Hopefully, he’ll take a break from practicing enough to check his messages. Next, Chan takes a detailed shower and tries to figure out what he’s going to wear. Cologne, for one, because Felix mentioned once that he likes Chan’s scent. He only applies it on his wrists and the back of his neck, though, so Felix will only be able to smell it when Chan holds him close.

The door opens just as Chan finishes getting dressed. “Hey,” Felix says casually. It’s almost six, and so far, only Jisung alerted Chan that he left. Felix gives him a kiss on the cheek before taking off his outerwear and emptying his pockets.

“Is Jeongin still here?” Chan asks. Felix hums in ascent. “Which means Changbin isn’t home yet. Of course.” He shakes his head, though he can’t help the fond smile.

“Patience,” Felix whispers. He’s avoiding eye contact, but there is an unavoidable tension between them, as if they’re fighting gravity in order to keep apart.

They don’t have to fight for very long. Changbin sends a vague message to Chan only a moment later. Chan takes a deep breath before speaking. “We’re alone.”

Felix’s response is to step close to Chan, gently wrapping his arms around his waist. “Was there something specific you wanted me to come home for?” Felix asks. He tucks his face against Chan’s neck, and Chan can feel Felix inhale deeply.

“You asked me for something last time we were alone,” Chan says, his arms encircling Felix.

“Ah, did I?”

“Sorry, where did all that bravado from before go?” Chan pulls away enough to see Felix’s expression, his eyes looking off to the side and his cheeks tinted red.

“That was post-nut courage,” Felix says, laughing around the words.

“I’m pretty sure the one time you haven’t been shy is when you asked me to suck your dick and the moment right after. Do you have a preference for oral or something?”

“I wouldn’t know,” Felix says. “You’d have to suck my dick a few more times, first.”

“Gladly,” Chan says. Felix’s body shakes with the laughter, and he has to hold Chan’s shoulders for support.

“We can start with just this, though,” Felix says. 

“Do you still want me to fuck you?” Felix hums in ascent. “Uh-uh. Tell me.” Felix bites his lower lip.

“Fuck me?” Felix asks, voice sweet. They both break into laughter.

“Since you asked so nicely,” Chan says when he catches his breath. 

He leads Felix over to bed, though he hardly has to convince him. They’re messy in trying to get settled, wanting to keep kissing as they move. Felix ends up on his back, and Chan sits across his hips. Felix’s hands slip under his shirt as he looks up at him, warm fingers resting between the lines of his muscles.

“Is there anything you want tonight?” Felix asks, voice soft and rich.

“What do you mean?” He scans across Felix’s form, the way his hair has fanned out on the pillow and the sight of his hands disappearing beneath the fabric of Chan’s shirt. His face is bare, freckles on full display, and his posture looks boneless.

“You’ve been giving me a lot,” Felix says, sliding his hands further up. He looks away, red highlighting his freckles. “You gave me head, marked me up, and now you’re going to fuck me.”

“And?” Chan leans down to kiss him sweetly. “Babe, I _like_ doing things for you.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t want to repay the favor.”

“I don’t know about ‘repaying’ in a relationship.” Felix pouts. “But I get what you mean.”

“So, is there anything you want tonight?” 

“Honestly?” Felix watches him, eyes dark and intense. “You.” He gets an eye roll. Felix opens his mouth to talk, but no words come out. “I’m being serious.” Chan kisses him again, this time with a passion. “I just want you, completely.”

“Then have me.” It comes out as a breath, barely audible, but it only drives Chan to kiss Felix with every emotion running through his veins, the love, the desire, the absolute joy of being with Felix.

And Felix presses up into it. He pushes until Chan is sitting up straight, one hand balancing himself and the other gripping Chan’s thigh. There’s spit spread around Chan’s mouth and he can hardly breathe, but it’s _perfect_.

Breath. Right. Chan sneaks a hand between them and sets his fingers around Felix’s neck. Felix gasps without him even putting any pressure. “Shit,” Felix whispers against Chan’s mouth. Chan watches him carefully as he gently squeezes. A high-pitched noise escapes Felix’s mouth, and he grinds his hips up.

He gasps like he can’t breathe, but Chan is hardly squeezing. Felix pushes forward into it, and Chan follows to keep pressure off his trachea. Chan counts to forty seconds and releases. “Fuck, _fuck_ ,” Felix says, breath heavy. He falls back without grace.

“Good? Bad?” Chan asks. He traces a finger down the side of Felix’s neck.

“Very good.” Felix’s eyes roll until they settle on Chan. They’ve barely started and Felix already looks fucked-out.

“Didn’t hurt?”

“It hurt in a good way,” Felix says, finally catching his breath. He sits up enough for Chan to pull his shirt off. Felix’s hands grab at the hem of Chan’s shirt, demanding equality.

“Alright, alright,” Chan says, swatting his hands away so he can take his shirt off. He reorients himself between Felix’s legs and runs his hand down Felix’s chest, down his stomach. Chan curls his fingers just under Felix’s ribs and lets his nails drag. He’s cautious about the pressure, trying to make approximations based on when he bit Felix before. Felix groans.

“Harder?” Chan asks, hand still. 

“Please,” Felix says, his eyes scrunched shut. “I want you to make me bleed.”

“ _Shit_ , are you sure?” Chan can’t help staring down at him, mouth open. 

“Please,” Felix repeats. Chan still hesitates, so Felix opens his eyes. “Unless, unless you don’t want to?”

“Well…” Chan doesn’t want to hurt him. It feels kind of wrong. But at the same time, the pain makes Felix moan in pleasure. It makes him hard enough for Chan to feel something pressing against hip bone. And how different is this from the choking and the biting? “No, I want to make you happy.”

“But not if it makes you—damn it!” Chan doesn’t draw blood, but the lines left in his fingers’ wakes are almost as red. Felix arches his back, but Chan pauses to rub the pad of his thumb over one of the lines.

“That didn’t break skin, but how was it?”

“More, please?” His voice sounds like a whimper, so Chan presses his nails into the skin on the other side of Felix’s ribs. He presses them down until Felix whines, and then he drags them down, increasing weight until he gets to the top of Felix’s hip bone.

“There we go,” Chan says, a small, triumphant bead of blood forming at the end of one of the scratch lines. Felix’s eyes snap open and he leans up enough to see it. Chan can’t help flitting his eyes nervously between the blood and Felix’s face. “Well?”

“I’m so in love with you,” Felix says. Chan smiles, especially when Felix tilts his head to the side as Chan leans down, maintaining eye contact. He drags the flat of his tongue up a scratch line, enjoying the deep moan that rumbles through Felix’s chest. Felix’s legs bend up, tense thighs closing around his shoulders, as Chan slides his body up Felix’s.

“What the hell was that?” Felix asks, when Chan’s tongue leaves the scratch behind and moves on to dip against his collarbone.

“Did it on impulse, I don’t know,” Chan says, lips gliding across the wet skin.

“Your impulse was a good one,” Felix says. His hand strokes up Chan’s back until it comes to rest on his neck, thumb poking into the curls. The hand adds careful pressure, guiding Chan’s mouth further up so Felix can kiss him.

The kiss is far less coordinated than their previous kisses, but the hunger and the promise of something more makes it better. There’s something else Chan wants to do with his mouth, though, so he pulls away. Felix whines from the loss of context, but it’s cut off by Chan working on removing his jeans. He mouths around his hip as he gets the jeans off, liberal with his teeth on the smooth skin. Chan runs his fingers over the inside of Felix’s thighs. They’re bare of the marks Chan made nearly two weeks ago. _Two weeks_ without being able to touch Felix like this. Chan looks up at him and catches the hooded eyes trained on him and the flushed face. Chan places a delicate kiss halfway up his thigh and then bites hard. He sucks a couple marks on each leg before taking off Felix’s underwear.

“Chan?” Felix asks, tone husky. He props himself up enough to watch him, face relaxed. Chan stays low, mouth hovering over his almost-hard cock.

“Wanna see if you have an oral preference?” Chan asks. He receives a chuckle in response.

“Go for it,” Felix says. “And I’ll get you next time.”

“So, sucking dick will be like restaurant bills for us? I get this time, you get the next?” He manages to hold his laughter back until Felix breaks.

“Oh my god,” Felix says. “Yeah, we’ll do sucking dick like restaurant bills.”

“Isn’t saying the Lord’s name in vain against the catechism?”

“Chan, do you even know what the catechism is?”

“Nope.” He kisses low on Felix’s stomach, lips brushing against the trail of hair. “But is it against it or not?” Felix sighs.

“It is. But the whole ‘in vain’ thing can be interpreted as— _shit_.” 

Chan closes his mouth around Felix’s dick, letting the tip sit flat on his tongue. The taste of skin and salty sweat fills his mouth as Chan tries to swallow further down the shaft. It’s easier than the first time, and right now his only goal is to get Felix fully erect. Felix’s hands go to Chan’s hair, but they don’t pull.

“I thought—didn’t we agree that you were going to—”

“I’ll get to that,” Chan says, coming up to speak. “We have a while until anyone comes home, so there’s no need to rush.” Felix whines, something needy in his upper register. Chan reaches up so he can fit his hand around Felix’s throat. 

“How about this?” Chan asks. Felix stares for a while. He swallows hard enough that the movement makes Chan’s hand bob with it. Felix nods, barely enough for Chan to notice. “No, tell me.” Felix pouts, but then a devilish smile turns his lips.

“Will you choke me while I choke you?” He lifts his hips ever so slightly, his cock brushing Chan’s bottom lip. It twitches at the puff of laughter from Chan.

“Since you asked,” Chan says. He takes Felix into his mouth again and squeezes his hand around his neck.

Chan almost chokes when Felix’s hips jerk up. He uses his free hand to hold him down, but Felix isn’t exactly weak. He’s gasping in Chan’s hand as if he couldn’t breathe at all. His legs have clamped down around Chan’s shoulders again, but the noises Felix is making are going straight to his own dick straining against his pants.

Forty seconds passes. “I’m going to die,” Felix says between heavy breaths. Chan tastes pre-cum, so he pulls off and sits back on his heels. 

Felix is so gorgeous, laid out in front of him. This isn’t the first time Chan has seen him fully naked, though in no other moment would he have been this beautiful. The scratch lines frame his abs, and the blue bruises on his thighs contrast the red patches of blush on his face and shoulders. “I love you,” Chan murmurs, the words coming out on their own volition. Felix opens his eyes, a sharp focus in them that’s been missing in the past minutes.

“Love you too,” Felix says under his breath, the quietest bass line highlighting the words and all the affection they carry. “Now get naked. I feel lonely.”

“Lonely?” Chan asks with a laugh. “I’m right here. I’ve been paying you so much attention.”

“Yeah, too much attention. You’re all,” Felix gestures vaguely, “neglected and stuff.”

“And stuff.” He pulls his pants off, focused on speed more than grace. His underwear follows quickly, and the pile of clothes on the floor becomes complete. Felix makes grabby hands at Chan until he is over him again. 

“Will you be able to hold yourself up while I kiss your neck, or will it make you too weak?” Felix asks, leaning up so his mouth is just under Chan’s ear.

“I won’t be too weak,” Chan says, but even he isn’t convinced by the words.

“Hmm, we’ll see.” Felix wraps his hand around Chan’s dick at the same time he draws his front teeth down the side of his neck. It is too much. Chan’s elbow almost locks under the intensity of the sensations, the dry drag against his cock and the fire at his neck, but he manages to not fall on Felix.

“Babe,” Chan says, tone practically a whimper. Felix hums something, vibrations going across his neck and reaching his own vocal cords. 

“You’re practically shivering,” Felix says, pulling back. His eyes travel down, and he smiles. “Good. There’s lube in my drawer of the nightstand.”

“Oh, I actually bought some a few days ago.”

“Just for this?” Felix asks, lips quirked up at the corner.

“Well, I did read a little bit about—” Chan shuts his mouth, but he’s too late. He sits back, looking away from Felix’s mirthful gaze.

“Like, what, you searched ‘how to have anal sex’ or something?”

“It’s not exactly a part of sex ed,” Chan says. “I want to make sure I do things right for you. Or at least, safely. I’ve never been with a man before. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“You’re doing fine—wait. Does this mean you looked up other things?” Chan’s expression betrays him. “Oh, like what?” He presses his lips in a thin line, but Felix looks at him, completely open, unjudging but certainly enjoying Chan’s embarrassment.

“Like how to choke someone in a sexy way,” Chan says.

“You certainly do choke me in a sexy way.” Chan rolls his eyes as Felix snickers.

“And how to suck dick.”

“Which you’re also good at,” Felix says. He holds his hand out until Chan takes it in his. “So. What did the internet say about safe anal sex?”

“Use lubricant to be careful of tearing, take it slow, use protection,” Chan says. “Honestly, nothing too surprising.”

“Hmm, I don’t have any condoms. I wasn’t thinking about it,” Felix says.

“I bought some, don’t worry.”

“Alright,” Felix says. Chan leans over to the nightstand, barely reaching far enough to dig out a fresh box of condoms and a bottle of lube. “So, did these articles go into enough detail? Do you feel comfortable doing this?”

“Yeah,” Chan says. His gaze remains on his hands as he takes care of the packaging. “Well, a little nervous, but that’s normal, right?” 

“It’ll be okay,” Felix says. “Take it slow. I’ll let you know if it hurts in a bad way or anything.”

“Have you… done this before?” Chan asks. His eyes flick over to Felix’s face before returning to his own hand as he spreads lube across three of the fingers. “Like, I know you said you haven’t been with anyone, but. You know.”

“You mean, have I fingered myself?” Felix asks. He asks with a confident tone, but his ears are red. “I have. So I know what I like, and I can talk you through it.”

“Okay.” The idea of it flashes through Chan’s mind, but the current image supersedes any fantasies of Felix touching himself. Felix opens his legs wider and angles his hips up. Chan can’t help staring, his nervousness making him fixate. “Ready?”

“Yeah.” Chan sets the bottom of his hand against the inside of Felix’s thigh, and lets a finger settle on the rim of Felix’s hole. He scans his eyes across Felix’s face.

“Go on,” Felix says softly. Chan swirls the finger around the rim a couple times before gently prodding it in. Felix’s breath stutters. “Good.”

“Like this?” Chan asks. The sensation is strange, but Chan is more focused on monitoring the tension in Felix’s muscles and his expression. He carefully slides the finger in deeper.

“Yeah, like that,” Felix says. His hips shift down on his finger. “Another one would be fine.”

“You sure?” It feels too tight, too tense still.

“You’re being far gentler than I usually am with myself,” Felix says. He shifts his hips with more purpose. 

“If you’re sure,” Chan says. He waits a moment to see if Felix will change his mind before he puts the second finger in. Felix moans, and Chan lets out the breath he was holding.

“Have you touched yourself like this?” Felix asks. Chan shakes his head. “Really?”

“I thought about it,” Chan says. “Recently, anyway. Like I said, I don’t know what I’m doing. So, like. Practice, I guess. But I never did.”

“ _Practice_ ,” Felix repeats, laughter around the word. “Channie, I love you so much.”

“Love you too.”

“I’ll have to show you later, yeah?” Felix asks. Chan forgets how to breathe for a second. Something about the idea of bottoming feels so foreign. But Felix is looking at him with the same openness and honesty that always makes Chan’s heart melt. With Felix, there’s nothing for Chan to worry about.

“Yeah, definitely,” Chan says. Felix gives him the most beautiful smile.

“Also, you can add a third finger if you want,” Felix says.

“If _I_ want to.” Chan shakes his head, but he does add a third finger.

“Hey, I’m—I’m doing fine,” Felix says, even as he has trouble controlling pitch around high whines. “Feels good. You feel good.”

“Really?”

“Mmhm. But, ah, move them like this,” Felix says, demonstrating with his own fingers in the air. Chan copies the movements, and Felix moans. He grinds his hips down, feet flat against the mattress for leverage.

“Careful,” Chan says, retreating a bit.

“It’s okay,” Felix says. “Seriously, I appreciate the concern, babe, but I kinda know what I’m doing here.”

“Okay,” Chan says. He pushes his fingers in deeply and slowly spreads them.

“Ah, Chan,” Felix says. His hips meet Chan’s fingers again. “That’s—that should be good.”

“Like—”

“Like, take them out and put a condom on,” Felix says. Chan does as he’s told. It takes him a bit to get the condom on, but he eventually succeeds. It’s a relief to touch his leaking cock, even if only for a moment.

“Beautiful,” Felix says, watching as Chan slicks lube on his cock. His eyes are both strange and familiar, the same eyes Chan has always seen the past few years but now with a strange new light. Chan can’t form a coherent sentence to reply with, too drunk with the mood, with the sight before him, the sheen of sweat on Felix’s body and the marks on his skin. Chan’s marks on his skin. 

He wipes the excess lube off his hand with a tissue, which is then thrown on the ground with the torn packaging. Chan leans over Felix and kisses him deeply. It’s a messy thing, too much spit and teeth to be comfortable and a burning heat that leaves Chan breathless. “Ready?” he asks against Felix’s mouth. He grabs his cock and lines the tip against Felix’s hole.

“Please,” Felix says like a prayer. 

Chan presses forward gradually. He holds up Felix’s thighs to get a better angle, balancing himself on his knees. “Fuck,” Felix says. His hands curl into the pillow on either side of his head, eyes scrunched shut.

“Do you want me to stop?” Chan asks, hips stilling. Felix shakes his head and lets out a rough breath. “Babe.”

“I don’t want you to stop,” Felix says. “ _Please_.”

He pulls out to the tip before pressing in again. Chan repeats the motion once more before he bottoms out. He almost pitches forward over Felix, but he maintains his balance. “How’re you goin’?” Chan asks, voice strained.

“Great,” Felix says. “This is a hell of a lot different than fucking myself on my fingers, so it’s an adjustment. But a good one. _Fuck_ , you feel good, babe.”

“Not as good as you do,” Chan says, eliciting laughter from Felix. The tightness is unreal, unlike anything else Chan has experienced. He can practically feel Felix pulse around him with every heartbeat, as if their hearts are trying to match each other. 

Or as if they are an imprint of one another. Chan looks into Felix’s eyes and sees a reflection of himself, the love and desire surging in his soul and outpouring into Felix. That awareness of seeing himself so laid bare is the only thing keeping Chan’s mind focused on the overwhelming moment. The air is thick between them, and Chan is acutely aware of how close they are, having come into each other’s spaces like this. Each other’s space. Their space. Chan kisses Felix, slow and hard. Water is about to spill over the dam, a sleeping beast churning the waves. It awakens by Felix’s whisper.

“Move.”

Chan can hardly deny Felix anything, especially in this state. He starts slow, keeping his gaze on Felix to see if he is second-guessing anything. But the only thing showing on Felix’s face is pure pleasure. Chan feels it building in himself as he watches. All night without touching himself, and now the stimulation is almost too much. He wants to express it to Felix, tell him how wonderful he is and how much he loves him, but his mouth can’t form words. It’s fine, however, because Felix meets Chan’s eyes and suddenly they both know the feelings shared between them exactly.

Felix pulls him into a kiss. Chan’s hand goes to Felix’s cock, pumping once, twice, thrice and then he feels the ropes of cum catching on his fingers. Felix curses and holds Chan close as he rides out his orgasm. The tightness has only increased, and Chan’s ears are filled with Felix’s sweet rambling. He finishes shortly after.  
It takes a lot of willpower to not just fall on Felix. He catches his breath, and slowly lowers Felix’s legs. Chan pulls out and ties off the condom. “Are you alright?” Chan asks. Felix lies back, eyes closed. He hums ascent. “Words.”

“I’m good,” Felix says. Chan brushes his bangs back so he can kiss his forehead. He gets up and goes to the bathroom. 

Felix is still lying there when he returns with a first-aid kit, a bottle of aloe, and a damp towel. “Was this also in your online tutorials?” Felix asks as Chan sets the things on the bed and sits beside him.

“It was,” Chan says, not minding the teasing. His mind is still hyper fixated on Felix, on making him feel good. “Let me know if anything hurts or feels good.” 

“I will.”

The towel is still warm as he runs it over Felix’s skin. He goes lightly over the scratch lines and bite marks, and Felix only marginally winces. When that’s done, Chan gets an alcohol pad and cleans the little area where he broke skin. “Ow, stings,” Felix murmurs, but he still sounds relaxed. Chan runs the pad over the other scratch lines, the skin shivering beneath it. He spreads a thin layer of cool aloe over the marks.

“Do you need anything?” Chan asks. 

“Hmm, just cuddling,” Felix says.

“Alright. I’m going to go put these up first, okay?”

“Okay.” Chan returns the items to the bathroom. He cleans the trash off the floor and kicks their clothes under the bed to deal with later. Felix watches, eyes half-closed. “Do you need anything?” Felix asks as Chan arranges the covers over them. Chan shakes his head. “You sure?”

“Just… talk to me about it?” Chan asks. His heart is still beating too fast and his muscles don’t want to relax. Felix throws an arm around his waist, and their faces are close enough that they share breath. It’s warm under the blankets with him, and Chan can smell Felix’s natural scent, emphasized from their activities.

“About what?”

“Was it… good?”

“I already said it was,” Felix says. Before Chan can even realize the twinge in his heart, Felix meets his eyes with understanding. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be dismissive.”

“You weren’t,” Chan says softly, though his heart does brighten from the words.

“No. If you need affirmation, then I’ll give it.” Felix runs his fingers through Chan’s hair. “You took care of me. Again, I want to repay you. You really made me feel loved, from your indulgence to you taking care of me afterward. I love you, Chan.”

“I love you too,” Chan says. His ears are burning, but he can’t help smiling. The little knot of tension in his stomach comes undone. He hadn’t realized how worked up he was.

They rest in silence. Chan wants to get lost in Felix and fall asleep, but he has work to do still. He turns over and reaches for his phone. “What’s up?” Felix asks, hand coming out to pull Chan back to him. 

“Gotta text Jisung and Changbin,” Chan says. “So they know it’s, uh, safe to come home.” Felix snorts. He nuzzles his nose against the back of Chan’s neck as Chan types out a message about him and Felix going to sleep. He sets the phone back down and rests his hand over Felix’s on his stomach.

“We should tell them,” Felix says, his breath tickling Chan’s neck.

“Do you want to?” Chan asks. He idly strokes his fingers over the back of Felix’s hand.

“Yeah, I think I do,” Felix says. He sighs heavily.

“We can wait.”

“It’ll only get harder to keep it from them, especially because Changbin and Han know already.”

“It may cause drama if the others realize Changbin and Han knew for a long time before them.”

“Exactly.”

“So, when do you want to tell them?”

“I guess, the next chance we get.”

“Like a day off?”

“Can you imagine telling them during dance practice? Or during a schedule?”

“You’re right,” Chan says. A day off could come soon, or well after the end-of-year award shows. But it’s the only option. 

“And… if it’s not too much to ask, anyway, can you do the telling?” Felix asks, his body tense against Chan’s.

“Of course, sweetheart,” Chan says.

“Are you sure?”

“I really don’t mind.” He pulls Felix’s hand up to his face, lips brushing against the back, and Felix’s body relaxes. 

“Thank you,” Felix says, voice drifting. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”


	8. Chapter 8

Chan announced in the group chat nearly half an hour ago that they would have the day off tomorrow. He was told when he met Park Jinyoung for lunch, and he texted the group once he got back to the studio room he was working in. Immediately after, Felix asked if he wanted to tell everyone about them during the day off. So, Chan sent another message to the group before anyone could start making individual plans.

_And could I ask for us to meet tomorrow? Doesn’t matter when, and it will only take a few minutes._

He gets a couple messages back about it, and Chan assures them all it’s nothing bad. He could pass it off as a sort of pep talk before they begin preparing for the end of year performances. Chan doesn’t want to lie, though, so he tells them the bare minimum to keep them from worrying. Now, he anxiously waits for the last couple of members to respond.

He’s missing responses from Hyunjin and Jisung. He isn’t particularly worried if Jisung will make time, but Chan doesn’t know what he’ll do if Hyunjin declines. Can they continue waiting to tell them? Will they even have free time again soon?

A message notification breaks Chan’s thought. He’s confused for a moment until he realizes it’s a private message. It’s from Changbin.

_Is this about you and ’Lix?_

Chan hesitates, but there’s no need to lie to him. _Yeah, it is._

_Don’t worry then! Han and I will back you up_ , Changbin sends, followed by a determined sticker.

_If Hannie will respond_.

_He will!_ Changbin sends. _And if not, I’ll go bother him until he does._ Chan smiles down at his phone.

_Thank you, Binnie._

Chan wills himself to relax. They will respond soon, or they’ll respond later. It’ll be okay. Everyone will meet tomorrow, and Chan and Felix will tell them, and everything will be okay. Chan can’t handle it being anything else.

“What is this about?” Hyunjin asks, rubbing at his eyes. His hair is a mess, but no one who has gathered at the kitchen table so far fairs any better. “Can I go back to sleep?”

“Five minutes, max,” Chan says. 

“Yeah, but why did it have to be so early?”

“Because I’m going to work out today, and I usually leave about fifteen minutes ago,” Minho says. Hyunjin scowls but mutters an apology when Minho shoots him a glare.

“Sorry,” Chan says.

“You wouldn’t call us for a meeting for nothing, so stop apologizing,” Minho says. Jeongin narrows his eyes.

“Unless it really is nothing?” Jeongin asks, his tone half-teasing.

“It’s not nothing,” Chan says, and he tries to crack a smile. He wants to get his script in order, but he also can’t ignore their questioning. He’s too aware of everyone’s body language and projected emotions. 

Felix reaches under the table to grab his hand and squeeze it softly. He hasn’t spoken at all this morning, but this one gesture communicates enough to Chan. _Everything will be okay._

“What is taking Changbin Hyung so long, anyway?” Hyunjin asks.

“I’m here,” Changbin grumbles, coming up behind Hyunjin and startling him. He sits in the last empty chair, directly across from Chan.

“Alright, what do you need to tell us?” Jisung asks. His expression is inviting and comforting. _We’ll back you up_. Chan allows himself to squeeze Felix’s hand one last time before setting his hands on the table and speaking.

“Like I said, it’s nothing bad,” Chan says. He stares at his hands, sort of clasped but fidgeting with random gestures as he talks. “I’m telling you as sort of like, a propriety thing, because we have an agreement with each other that the group always comes first. And this can kinda seem like a bad—or well, a risky thing—but I want you to know that it’s not, and—”

“Channie Hyung,” Felix whispers. 

“Right,” Chan says. “Anyway. We’re dating—Felix and I. Have been for a bit because we wanted to make sure it was, like, a substantial thing before I called a freaking meeting about it. But… yeah.”

He slowly raises his gaze when no one speaks. Other than Changbin and Jisung, the overall reaction seems to be discomfort, a discomfort which threatens to break Chan’s heart. He doesn’t even know if he’d be able to feel it break because he can’t _breathe_.

“Congratulations,” Changbin says casually. Chan’s breath forces itself out of his lungs. “You two are cute together.”

“Yeah, you are,” Jisung says. Felix’s hand is back holding Chan’s, grip like a vice this time.

“Well,” Hyunjin starts. “As long as you don’t let it get in the way of anything.” He looks marginally less uncomfortable.

“That would be the one thing,” Seungmin says. “But Hyung already said that the group always comes first. We trust you both.”

“Yeah, congratulations,” Minho says. The discomfort of the group melts away, and Chan breathes normally again.

“I will also congratulate, since you mentioned propriety,” Jeongin says.

“Don’t worry about that,” Felix says, stammering over his words. “We live together, so we owe you all that.”

“Aww, is ’Lixie shy?” Minho coos. 

“Better that than bold,” Jeongin says. “I have zero desire to see you two being all lovey-dovey while I’m around.”

“Come on, they deserve some freedom to express their love,” Changbin says.

“Some,” Jeongin repeats.

“Wait, is this why you called him ‘babe’ a couple weeks ago?” Seungmin asks.

“Look, it was always kind of weird not telling you guys,” Chan says. “You guys knowing felt right, since you’re like family. That was the only slip-up, and it’s because I’m so comfortable with you.”

“Thanks for the trust,” Minho says. “So, I’m going to assume this is a members-only secret?”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to burden anyone we work with to keep the secret or lose their job,” Chan says.

“This is all very sweet,” Hyunjin says. “Real _You’re Beautiful_ vibes here, but can I go back to bed?” The members laugh.

“Sure, get your beauty rest,” Chan says. “Thank you all for listening to my terrible explanation—”

“Chill, Hyung,” Changbin says.

“—and being cool about it. You’re dismissed or whatever.”

He gets a few eyerolls, but the group disperses, going back to bed or getting on with their daily activities. Felix is still holding his hand, though his grip has softened. “Wanna go to a café?” Felix asks. The tips of his ears are light pink.

“Sure,” Chan says. He wouldn’t mind space after that. “Let me just get ready.”

“’Course.”

They both get ready, Changbin teasing them when they go back to their room to get changed. The members who are in the common areas take their turns teasing them as they leave. Chan and Felix head out, hand in hand and their hearts warm.

At Minho’s suggestion, the group is gathered in the living room to watch a film. Since the last attempt to watch a film resulted in a horrendous, last-minute pick, Minho demanded a second attempt where they decide well in advance what they’re going to watch. Jisung and Hyunjin still joke about picking a different film as Minho searches for the correct title.

“We cannot change our minds unless literally everyone has a proper consensus on the new one,” Minho says. 

“Come on,” Jisung whines.

“I’m fine with whatever,” Changbin says.

“That’s not consensus, that’s apathy. Doesn’t count,” Minho says. 

“We’re fine with what we picked,” Chan says diplomatically. Jisung pouts and Hyunjin cackles, but they drop the joking.

“Where’s ‘Lix Hyung?” Jeongin asks.

“Making popcorn,” Chan says. He stayed with Felix for a moment after the others migrated to the living room so he could steal a couple kisses.

The dynamics have been a bit strange the past few weeks. Certain things remain the same—Felix is making popcorn for them again, Changbin just finished cleaning the kitchen, and Chan sits on the floor in front of the couch. But they do garner a couple more glances than usual when Chan is with Felix, the others watching as if trying to figure something out. Chan is also very conscious of it, conscious of how much he touches Felix in front of them and how often he calls him by pet names. 

There’s nothing wrong with it, and no one would say they’re uncomfortable. But it’s not exactly comfortable. Felix worries about it too, hesitant to even hold Chan’s hand sometimes. Some of the members are easy to read about the situation. Jeongin teases them with half-jokes about propriety, so they avoid anything more than the usual platonic skinship in front of him. Hyunjin is skittish when they’re affectionate, something Felix blames on some minor internalized homophobia. Minho and Seungmin couldn’t care less about what they do, acting as if it’s the same as how it’s always been. Jisung is supportive, but often in a brash way that makes Felix blush. And Changbin… he does well as their roommate, inconspicuously disappearing the moment the atmosphere changes and they want some privacy. He also very casually points it out to Felix whenever he puts on any clothes that would reveal indiscreet marks. The first time made Felix embarrassed for the rest of the day, but Changbin is so deliberately casual about the whole thing that Felix hardly thinks of it anymore. Chan is grateful that Changbin is being so chill about the whole thing.

“Yongbok!” Minho yells. “I’m starting it!”

“Coming,” Felix responds. 

A moment later, he appears, bowl of popcorn in hand. He gives it to Jisung and then finds his place beside Chan. He snuggles into his side, and Chan throws an arm over his shoulders. Chan can’t help the impulse to check the others’ reactions. 

Except, there are none. No one says a thing or gives a look, and it makes Chan’s heart swell. It’s different hearing them all say they support them versus these moments, when Chan knows that nothing has changed in the group despite such a monumental change between Chan and Felix. Hopefully, there will be more of these moments, even if there are also awkward moments in between as they figure out the new boundaries. 

“I can hear the gears in your head,” Felix murmurs beneath the sounds of the film.

“Sorry,” Chan says. Felix grabs his hand in his.

“It’s fine,” Felix says. “Just relax.”

So Chan tries to relax, enjoying the warmth beside him and the love in his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Phew, this fic took *forever* to write. Like, five months. It was the first skz fic I started, though (as you can see) it's the third one I'm publishing. 
> 
> There is a non-canonical [part two](/works/28619505) if you want something extra to read.


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